Starting Here, Starting Now

So here I am up at nearly midnight...on a work night.  I was in bed, ready for sleep.  Watching a little TV.  Surfing then looking at the UVerse menu I see a program that I had heard about - "The C Word" on PBS.

So I watched.  Wonderfully done.  If you haven't guessed, about a women's battle with cancer.  About struggles, a horrible, insidious disease and about a life well lived and an illness well fought.

So now I'm up.  Thinking about the show.  And about my life.

Earlier today I resigned the part-time gig.  Going on five months.  I certainly still need the extra money but I do not need the extra stress that the working environment there laid on me.  I think the owner is a whack job.  I mean she is kinda psycho.  I won't go into it here because it is over and done and I am not spending one more millisecond thinking about her last tirade because by doing so I would be reliving it.  I went straight there this morning - on the way to my real job - and handed in my resignation.

Felt good.

Also today, at the end of an email LB sent me was a quote by Buddha:

"The Trouble is...we think we have time".

Actually I Googled it and the quote is not actually from the lips of Buddha but really an understanding, a restating of a teaching of Buddha.

But I like it.  And it with the TV program I watched earlier made me think.

The whole life is short thing.  It is.  Now I'm really antsy to go and do and have adventures.  But life gets in the way with work and responsibilities and mortgages and elderly parent and health insurance and on and on.

Sure kills spontaneity

Oh it all will come.  I am certain of it.  But then I think.  What if I wait too long?  What if I get cancer?  Dear God, what if I lose my health by one means or another?  The thought of not being viable scares the hell out of me.

And what about procrastination and missed opportunity; the whole 'you think you have time' thing.  My friend J thinks I should tell my crush that I'm crazy about him.  Yep she said "Does he know how you feel?"  Nope not fully.  I'm afraid he would think me idealistic, romantic, sophomoric.  Psychotic, obsessive, delusional.  Ha!  I don't know about telling him...

Well anyway I have actually been feeling super positive these past couple of weeks.  No reason to really.  Still in debt, still poor, still a wallflower.  But free and totally thankful for all in my life.  90% of the time we do not know how fortunate we are.  I am SO lucky to have great kids, my health, a job, a home, darling pets, one or two super close friends, a healthy libido, a sense of humor and a sense of folly.  And a GREAT imagination.

Well don't really know where I'm going with this post other than I'm motivated to be a little bold in my relationships...better my communications.

Well...That Was Fast...

Boom...no more potential love interest...

No biggie.  About two months ago I took a part-time job that has me working two LONG twelve hours shifts on Saturday and Sunday.  Yeah, I know...a BEATDOWN.

Anyway the guy I mentioned in my July 3 post is my coworker.  It's only the two of us ALL DAY on Sunday.  So when phones aren't busy we talk...and talk...talk.  Definitely have been in that getting to know you stage.

Mostly I've found out what he doesn't like...

Which, turns out, is ALOT of things!

1.  Doesn't like stainless steel appliances, which in itself definitely should not be a deal breaker.  But it's just the ferocity with which he voiced his distain.

"I HATE stainless steel!!  I bet YOU like stainless steel, don't you?"

Uh...yes.

Sorry.

Then he goes on and on about how and why he HATES stainless steel.  It's unattractive (uh it's only been at the top of popularity now for what?  Ten years.  That it's hard to keep clean.  And then tells me that he and his ex redid their kitchen (and I BET with stainless steel) and when she left him he yanked all the new remodel out and REDID the entire kitchen.

Mmmhmmm.

2.  Only watches sports on TV.  Doesn't like ANY other shows, ESPECIALLY not comedy shows.

Oh boy...

3.  Doesn't read.

4.  Doesn't like to do much of anything actually.  "I used to do all that back in my younger days."

5.  Doesn't like debt.  Well, who does?  I made the mistake of telling him that my reason for working a second job was to pay off debt.  "UGH I would HATE to have credit card debt!!  If you can't afford it, don't buy!!  What in the heck did you buy??"

This made me feel about an inch tall.  I have to commend myself on not lashing back at this asshole.  I simply told him that he doesn't know me, doesn't know my situation and that really, I didn't need to explain anything to him.

The truth of the matter is that in my real job I get paid once a month and by the middle of the month I am flat busted.  I lot of times I have used credit cards - SORRY - to pay my electric bill or my cable bill - or buy groceries, etc.  My health insurance premium is low which means I have a HIGH deductible and that I have to pay in full for all doctor's visits and prescriptions.  Not that we go to the dr. all that much but whenever my son or I have to go it's about $200 a pop.  AND my car insurance has majorly increased since my ex bought our son a car.  Very grateful for the car; not so much the big car insurance bill that he can't help on (nor the dr. bills).

6.  Doesn't like...the beach.

EPIC FAIL!!!

Actually another bombastic HATE.  "I HATE the beach.  There's sharks and it's hot and you get all dirty and sweaty and it's boring!"

OK I get the picture...

Oh and "my wife was a beach nut!!"

So in several weeks he has manged to totally turn me OFF.  I mean, I'm not looking for a version of myself with a penis but come on, there has to be some common ground.

Also I am beginning to get deja vous...he's kinda looking like ex hubby 2.0.  Seriously!  It's not just me being hypercritical.  He's very negative about his situation and he's been divorced 20 years!  Of course, EVERYTHING was her fault.  When I was telling him of my situation (Reader's Digest version) he said 'Well couldn't you have given him a second chance?  Didn't you want to work it out?  Oh and he was just incredulous when the conversation came around to the fact that I pulled the plug on the marriage.

"You ended it?" he asked.. In disbelief.

I guess he figured that me, being a middle-aged, graying female was the one dumped.

Nope.

So we have fun at work.  We're cordial for the most part.  He likes to 'kid' like when I have a sincere question, he has an outrageous comeback like it's the dumbest thing he's ever heard.  I can't remember the exact question I very sincerely asked him about procedure but he was like "no, we just do that for the hell of it!"  I mean, gosh, he didn't have to be so condescending.

Oh...and he's a Bible thumper.  Out of the blue he says to me:  "And there's a heaven and a HELL!!  And a lot of people are going to be in real trouble!"

Wow.

It really must be such a burden being SO perfect and having all the answers.

Nope.

STEER CLEAR!!!!

I guess you could say I have learned what I don't in a love interest.  Super great to be in this state of mind, this place in my life where I can honestly say ain't puttin' up with no bullshit - don't have to!!

And actually...I am just great with my own company!

Jumping Back In

I have met someone.  Someone actually in my zip code.  Someone who I actually am kinda attracted to...

And it scares me to death.

He checks a lot of boxes:

He's a couple of years older than me;

Divorced;

6'2" and in fairly good shape;

Funny;

Employed;

Nice looking (beautiful blue eyes);

And he seems to really be attracted to me as well.

Oh boy...

I just went on Facebook and posted an uncharacteristic - personal - post about being ready to jump back in to 'the game'.

Ugh.....why didn't I just post that I bought a box of condoms and was going to go to town?!?!

I hate leading, self serving posts.  The kind that invite questions, that stir up stuff.  And yet...there go I.

Amazing.

I guess I am looking for validation.  Really?  Permission?  Maybe putting it out there that I am actually still thinking of 'getting it on'?

Wait - my kids read my posts.  Better block them...

I have not mentioned meeting T to my kids nor my local friends.  Well, I did mention him to two friends.  And both said the same thing:  'Go for it'  'Have some fun'

I always talk myself out of 'fun'.  Why?  On the online date I went on and now with this guy, I just am afraid of not feeling to the same extent as the guy.  I guess I'm just hesitant because I don't want to disappoint another person.

Or maybe I'm afraid of really feeling something?  And what if my kids don't like him?  See?!  This is what I do to myself!

Just breathe idiot and enjoy whatever comes your way!

You Reap What You Sow

Remember that old saying that you shouldn't do anything you wouldn't want on the front page of the newspaper?  Well it needs to be recycled for today's world -- maybe don't visit webpages -- or better yet:  don't sign onto webpages using Facebook -- unless you're comfortable with it being ON Facebook.

Yep...somebody's been at it again.

As aforementioned in another post, I rile myself all up by going on my ex's FB page and reading all the pandering posts he adds about love, and commitment, and Bible thumping and blah, blah, blah.

Well about a day ago all his chickens came home to roost.  Right there posted immediately before a share by him of his high school reunion site was...a very disgusting pornographic picture.  Link to a video actually.  Had been 'shared' to his wall by a 'woman' and it advertised what I can only imagine was his entertainment spot of earlier that evening.  Triple X something or other.

I could feel the flame rise to my cheeks.  I first thought about our kids.  But they take everything their father says - and posts - with a grain of salt and I am sure that they probably did not even go on his site yesterday.

Thank God.

Then I thought of all our mutual friends...my relatives...and friends of our daughter that are also his FB friends.  Fortunately he shares so damn many posts on FB that it got pushed way down.  I did have to chuckle though because the posts surrounding the naughty one had NO 'Likes', NO feedback.  HAHA!  I'm sure they were like "Yikes!"

Oh...*sigh*...it made my day yesterday!  Snarky, I know.  Maybe somebody will take pity on him and say "Pssst...hey...uh you may want to delete THAT"

#vindicated.

Goodbye Dear Friends

Today I said goodbye to friends I have had for fifty years.  And I sit here weeping like a damn fool...

Over my dolls.

You see for fifty years I have cherished, loved, treasured my Barbie dolls.  Barbie, Ken, Francie, Alan, Skipper, Fluff, Tutti, Chris, Stacey, PJ, Jamie, Steffi, Ricky...all have stayed with me all these years...through moves, through beginnings and endings, they have been a constant.

I had long elevated these dolls to much more than mere possessions; much more than mere toys.  They were family.  When I was young I created a family with them and played out, over and over and over again, scenarios...very real scenarios, the likes that Peyton Place - back in the day - would have eagerly adopted.  I created with these dolls a family that I never had.  Trust me, not one of my Barbie families ever had just one kid.  They had a ton of siblings...and a mom AND a dad.  Being an only child, these playthings were invaluable to me, and have stayed that way ALL these years.

Granted most of the time they were tucked away in my closet, high up on a shelf in their cases.  I NEVER let my daughter play with them - heaven forbid!  She had her own Barbies - and her own LOVE of her Barbies but she was the typical owner.  Most of the time her dolls were buck naked.

Not mine.

They were ALWAYS clothed.  And what clothes they did have!  You have to admit, Mattel in its heyday put out some phenomenal products.  The Barbie clothes back then were exquisite.  Tiny, tiny with detail and real zippers and real buttons and even the famous Barbie tag in each.  What haute couture!

Yes the vintage Barbie experience was a one of a kind venture.

So how did I come to part with these treasures?

Economics.

I am really struggling and quite simply I needed an infusion of cash.  I had long thought about selling them but talked myself out of it everytime.

Til last week...

It took me hours to photograph, inventory, describe and post my collection.  Thirty-one dolls in all.  Thirty-one.  Each unique and special and loved.  And the clothes...wonderful clothing for all the dolls.  And shoes and accessories.  I kept everything so meticulously.

I hated putting a price on them but they served me well...their last servitude to me, I guess.

So I put them up on eBay...and on the last day of the posting...someone bought them.

Packing them up to mail them off to their new owner was...excruciating.  I felt as they I were sending away my children...getting rid of my beloved pets...abandoning them.

I lovingly gave each one a kiss (yes, I did) and gently wrapped each little body in tissue paper.  They lined the cardboard box like tiny little corpses.

And it did feel like a death to me.

I only told one person of my sale...my friend Jen who well knows what it's like to be a divorced parent trying to make ends meet.  I couldn't tell my kids.  Strangely, I think my son would be most sad for me.  He is very sentimental and feels deeply.  My daughter will just be pissed.  I couldn't tell my mother.  To her selling personal items is not fathomable and I know she would make me feel guilty.

I don't need that.

No, I'm not telling anyone.  I do feel guilty about parting with them.  They were so loyal to me.

When I finished the packing and was about to tape the boxes up, I stopped and composed a short letter to the new owners.  I told them how I loved the dolls and that I hoped they would too.

Trip to the post office...

And then they were gone...

There's a passage in the Bible...something about "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

Well...it sucks.

The Ex

I see my ex probably way more than I should.  He lives four hours away but whenever he is in town for a dr. or dentist appointment, he asks if he can stay at my house.  I always say yes.  And he stays - in the guest room - and we watch TV and he takes me out to dinner.  But that's it, thank God.  No overtures, no plays.

And he always tells me that he still loves me.  And that he doesn't know 'what he did'.

Well, he certainly hasn't changed.  I mean he treats me ALOT better now than he did when we were married.  He keeps his temper in check.  And he is alot more caring...and polite.

My friends think it's weird that we see each other so much.  My mother is afraid we are going to get back together.  Our son is TERRIFIED that we are going to get back together.

I don't know.  Oh, I'm NOT even entertaining getting back together.  No matter how POOR I am nor how lonely I may occasionally be...nope, not going to happen.

Maybe that's why I still see him...to constantly reinforce my decision???

Well that IS reinforced EVERY time...

I mean we do share SO much history...I'm just not going to have that with anyone else and I do have to admit, I miss that familiarity.  But that's where it ends.

He has, and continues to, reaffirm my decision to part ways.  He's still the whiny, poor me, lazy ass he always was.  And I've got his number.  While he's 'pining' away for me - in front of me - he's in overdrive on social media about how 'a perfect marriage is two imperfect people who refuse to give up on one another' or this one:

So, yeah, I got sick of putting up with his 'shit' which included, but certainly not limited to:  bombastic tantrums - screaming and yelling everywhere and anywhere, so loud my neighbors even wondered who he would be yelling at; his constant, relentless non-treatment of me and his younger children:  NEVER having any time to do ANYTHING with them, always putting EVERYONE and EVERYTHING before us and our home life:  consistently going out with the boys after work, never having the COURTESY to call and let me know and yada yada.

Oh, and as for his 'weird little ways'...what would that be?  The way he trolled for ass on the internet?  Or maybe how he would spend the day at the computer - naked and on disgusting porn sites - while he was unemployed and should have been looking for a job to support his family?  Or the way he liked to impulsively, threateningly, put his fat hands around my neck and squeeze just to see how it felt and how I would react?  Or maybe the 'way' he'd pull me out of bed by my hair when he was fucked up drunk?  Yep, this big teddy bear (our former neighbor's description of him) or guy with a heart of gold (an old friend's very public FB description of him) sure had some 'weird little ways'.

And I am GLAD to be RID of him.

I do actually feel sorry for him though.  He really is as unmotivated, self centric, dense and tunnel-visioned as I had perceived him to be.  He is content - for whatever reason - living in the prodigal son's guest room.  It's easier I guess than to try.  He has no job, draws SS and poor mouths out the wazoo.

He is exactly where he wants to be no matter what he claims to feel for me.  He still NEVER contacts our children - they reach out to him.  And his head is firmly up the prodigal's ass.

When we split up I let him keep his 401(k) (and I kept mine) and some inheritance money he had received.  Those funds plus his half of the sale of our family home left him with a six figure sum in the bank.  Now nearly two years later he says he's nearly broke.  Really???  Just as I had feared, his baby boy has talked him into buying a piece of lakefront property.  He showed me a picture.  It's a piece of land with a dilapitated trailer on it...which my ex is going to LIVE IN!  It happens to be a parcel of land next door to the P's best buddy.  The ex said he feels good that P and his buddy will now be able to grow old together, sit on their front porches and drink beer.

Heartwarming...

Wow...what happened to the interest of the other three kids?

I Can See

I can see me coming home to you...

I can see you, beside me on the comfy couch, watching marginally interesting TV

And being very content;

I can see being your plus one...

I can see you barefoot in t shirt and sweatpants with a weekend's worth of stubble

And looking the handsomest that I've ever seen you;

I can see me beaming at your shining moments,

never elipsing your happiness but reveling in it;

I can see mutually sharing sadnesses, disappointments and loss,

that however profound when shared is somehow more lightly bore;

I can see you leading the small pack of grandchildren,

down to the shoreline in pursuit of the most wonderful of shiny seashells;

I can see us moving at the speed of life;

I can see us smugly doing life's victory lap with joy and peace in our hearts

because we were just too stubborn to settle for less and finally were emotionally

smart enough to realize that each other held the key...