MY FORAY INTO ONLINE DATING

So I've decided to go on a 'mature' individuals' online dating site; one that advertises for matches over 50.  After wading through the endless ads and pop-ups for other related sites, I've successfully joined this 'free' site (more on that in a little) and commence to set up my profile.  Hmmm...what to write, what.to.write?

Here is my profile as copied from the site:

 "A little about me...

I am fairly moderate in my views. I am reserved yet I do know 
how to have a good time. I am a good listener and I genuinely
love learning about other's lives and experiences. I am not
possessive and appreciate having my own space. I am recently
divorced and in "looking for" chose "casual" relationship 
because I'm pretty sure I don't want to get married again, 
but hey, never say never I guess. I just don't want to put myself
 out there as looking for marriage. I truly believe life is better
shared and would like to share experiences with that someone
special. As for my 'likes' I'm pretty easy to please though I
don't like  country music or country western dancing. I'm not
an outdoorsy type, i.e., I don't like hunting, etc. Though I 
LOVE being outside - moderate hikes, beach and the like.
I am a work in progress in that I am currently undergoing an
 overhaul as I need to lose a few pounds. I have enthusiastically
 embraced working out, yoga and walking and am seeing 
results. My pictures are pretty accurate so if you're looking
 for a stick, I'm probably not the one for you.

About the one I'm looking for...

Gosh, what do you say here in this space? Well, I sure know 
what I don't want: no drama, no anger or frustration issues
 (please), no victim complexes. Yikes, that sounds harsh! I 
need someone who is happy in his own skin. Educated, 
physically fit, reserved, mannered, respectful - of himself and
 others - Optimistic, positive. And patient - I would like to take
 it s-l-o-w. I would like someone who is strong, yet tender. I 
enjoy long talks so the strong silent type may not work here."

Yeah, I know... I'm gonna die alone.

So I upload the old profile and my best, current, Facebook pics.

And I get some hits!

But to view all these wonderful, potential suitors I gotta PAY on this FREE site!  So I wait and wait til the half price screen comes up and I nail that bad boy - six months of the short man catalog for $42 - woohoo!

So I paid and good golly what a mixed bag!  Let's just say at this age someone who is 57 can sure look different than another person who is 57.  Wow!  Distinguished v. extinguished.  And then the profiles...wow.  Let's say I quickly came up with a brief list of disqualifers:

First Round Elimination (or a profile name says alot...)

Here's my top two favorites that went directly to the 'NO' column:

• 'Hogkiller' - Cuz he 'loves to hunt wild hogs'.  Um...NO.
• 'Uncircumcized9' - To him and the eight that went before him:  Eeewww!  I mean seriously??

But hey if you can get past his profile name he does have redeeming qualities like ... actually let's read this profile from the man himself:

 "Kinda slow occasional drinker and smoke a little pot but not a stoner or drunk love custom car shows and drag racing. Enjoy cuddling up to a. Good movie or going out but can't dance don't beat on women enjoy going out for chat and coffee. Was with ex for 20 years so can make relationship work

About the one I'm looking for...

Pretty female to show off go out with to eat or to car shows or just hang out with at home love sex ,clean disease free,can cook,don't mind cleaning house not a slob or horder not afraid to work and help with bills

I'd just like to add...

I smoke little filtered cigars but would try to quit for the right partner. Have a custom 62 Chevy truck I have tried to build myself but be nice to have help"

See?!  Quite a charmer I must say!!

So I learned quickly what I DIDN'T want so here are:

Things that immediately move a guy to the Recycle Bin:

• Cigarette Smoking - Yuck
• Never married - Wouldn't touch that with a ten foot...now you're wanting someone??
• Legally separated - mostly a nice way to say 'I'm still married but looking'
• Over three kids - sorry
• Doppleganger for my former spouse  (and yes there has been one)
• Refers to his potential date as a 'female' (reference:  'U-C9' above)
• Under 6' - Sorry this is a must; you gotta be over 6' to ride this ride.  Actually it should read 6' and under because my friend tells me that most "6'" end up to be 5'10" in person.  Hmmm...imagine that.
• Does not like theater
• Lists huntin' and fishin'
• Says his potential soul mate must love Jesus as he does (OK so far) and be submissive to her man - Uh?  Hell no! (I would probably git a whuppin' before we even pulled out of the driveway)
• Says his potential soul mate must be a lady and use NO profanity - Fuck no!
• No sadsacks.  Unbelievably there are some on here that think that they can make someone feel sorry enough for them to go out with them.  Here's one of my favorite profiles of this nature:

  "I am not sure I would make a great partner..my biggest negativity is my lack of confidence.. But I am here trying?  A friend I met on site..said I should add something positive to my profile.Ok... I am not perfect, not great. but am a good man.I am not as physically attractive as you may want,but the weeds will not die from looking at me.. I may not have the physical ability you require,,but I can still dress myself. may not have the financial resources you deserve,,, but I can support my self..."

Wow - where do I sign up?

Once I did the vetting and actually had a few candidates, I chose one or two and dropped them a friendly message.  And waited.

Sooooo come to find out that online life is actually a lot like real life -- there are a LOT more women than men and the dudes can have their pick.   The handful that I 'choose' must be some good, decent guys because they all pretty much said either their dance card was already full (one widower said he was going out with six different women!) or that they wanted to only pursue one woman at a time.  Fair, I think!

So I did make a potential date, meet up, whatever you want to call it with a chef.  Sounded interesting.  Only problem is neither of us followed up and the more I learned about his personal life, the more I thought 'nah'.   He was the same age as me.  He listed that he was a widower.  On further communications I found out that he married his wife on her deathbed (?) like 38 years ago, which would have put him at 18 years old.  The two children he had (one with deceased wife and one an 'oops' with a previous relationship) were both deceased and died tragically.  So maybe he just had a really sad, tragic home life but there were just too many blanks in there so when he didn't follow up about our date, I just let it go.

Candidate number two seemed like a pleasant gentleman though I did go against one of my 'rules' - he was legally separated.  Upon further emails, I learned that in his former state of residence divorce is not as swift a process as it is in my state of residence and he that he is in the process of having it finalized.  Fair enough.  Can#2 seemed like a nice enough guy so when he asked, I reluctantly provided him with my personal email address because he was 'sick of (website name)' and wanted to correspond directly.  I drew the line, however, at giving him - at this early point in 'talking' - my cellphone number.  Didn't want to do that.

Can#2, once he had my email address, felt a little more at ease I guess (?) and quickly asked/invited/suggested back-to-back dates for the weekend of the week in which we were writing.  So he's asking for meet ups to occur within two or three days of our correspondence.  What was proposed was a dinner date at a restaurant in our town (we found we lived in the same city) and then attending a major league baseball game NOT in our city but an hour away.

Well, first of all, I already had plans and told him so.  And added that I wasn't ready to travel an hour there and an hour back with someone I had just met.  So the next day, his response...

"I would like to ask you a question (my name).  Do you really want someone in your life?  Do you have the time?

AND THE CLINCHER...

"I am looking for someone to spend time with 3-4 TIMES A WEEK"

Holy shit!  I don't even see my kid that much!!

So I very politely wrote back that I did not have the time nor the desire to spend the majority of the week working on a new relationship and that I sincerely wished him good luck in his quest.

So we come to Can#3.  Can#3 was a very nice gentleman with whom alsoI had to break one of my 'guidelines'.  He was never married...but after texting, emailing and talking on the phone, I decided to give it a shot.

Can#3 was super sweet.  Very polite and respectful.  He invited me to a wonderful Thai restaurant and we met there and had dinner.  No real surprises except for the fact that all his profile pictures were out of date -- he even 'fessed up to this, saying they were a good five years old.  At our age, and he was two years older than me, five years can make a BIG difference.

And in this instance, it did.

Now looks certainly aren't everything...but they do matter.  First impressions and all that.  There has to be some initial attraction.

I don't know...I started getting the feeling I had way back when, when I was young and single.  The feeling that this guy is really sweet and nice and easy to talk to but I have NO interest in him; NO chemistry and now I'm getting a pit in the bottom of my stomach because he likes me and thinks the date is going well and I already know there's NO future here so there WILL be awkwardness at the end of the date because he will want to make plans to see each other again - and I will not.

And that's exactly what happened.  But apparently he's a seasoned veteran on this 'mature' website and said he's gone on lots of dates.  He, mercifully for him AND me, left the second move up to me with 'well, if you would like to go out again, let me know."

Well I didn't...so I didn't.  Case closed.  Thank you.

Then there was one 'interested' suitor that stopped me in my tracks.  His message to me:

 I only saw your eyes, I would not need to read what you wrote. They are amazing.

They beckon, dismiss, approve, disapprove, cajole, caress, reprimand, shew, inspire and above all mesmerize. However, they have bitter sweet story to tell . . . . I would love to hear it.

Wow.  Did not follow up.

So I asked myself:  'Am I really that desperate that I would resort to online dating?'  And the resounding answer was 'NO'.  I'm not desperate in the least.  And I think I will just wait to meet someone the old fashioned way.

And THAT was my foray into online dating!

MOTHER'S DAY

It's the little things that count.  That's what everyone tells us.  But that's not exactly truthful.  When it comes to parenting, and what your kids recall from their childhoods, it's the BIG, glaring, mercurial mess-ups that are remembered.

Got any idea where I'm going with this?

When we're sitting around, having a few drinks (yeah, I know, part of the problem), talking about memories of Mom (me) all the old, bad stuff comes out.  Fair game...but would be more equitable if the backstory to each was told as well and you know, there's ALWAYS a backstory.

No matter how many sleepless nights you've put in nor how many wonderful birthday parties you've planned and carried out nor how many endless hours you've spent behind the wheel of the ol' mom mobile, they're going to the remember that split second when you lost your shit.

I was recently reminded by LB, in conjunction with LP, 'of the time you were going to beat us with a belt.'

Well...not quite.

The situation was they were 5 and 10 years of age, we were going through a cross country move and, in general, I was on my last nerve as they say.  Husband had already (conveniently) moved out west to start his new job, leaving me with the selling of the house, packing up of the house and moving of the house, kids and animals, not to mention the daily care of the kids - school, etc.  This particular day was near the end of that adventure.  We were all in the master bedroom where we were living like squatters.  Most of the packing was done except for the little extraneous stuff.  The furniture had been dismantled so we were living minimally - paper plates to eat off of, using the same towels, sleeping - all together (me, the kids and the dog and cat) - on the queen mattress on the floor in my room.  LB and LP were going at it as kids do best, whining, pulling on each other, falling down, getting up, basically just pushing ALL the buttons - all while bouncing around on top of the communal bed.  Me?  I'm doing whatever packing was left to do, mostly clothes, I think.  Anyway, they just wouldn't 'QUIT!' so as the frustration and impatience rose in me, I looked around and grabbed the last thing left behind by husband - his belt.

Wielding the belt with the might of Zorro, systems in overdrive, I strode over to the 'bed' and mightily brought that sucker down with a loud "THUD!...on the 'bed'. 

I think they sensed/heard/saw in their peripheral my teeth gritting and wind sucking that fueled my advance to the 'bed' because the coming down of the belt and the immediate cease fighting/split second clinging and wimpering by the two culprits were pretty much instantaneous.  I do have to admit I felt an immediate and rising sense of calm...and power in my being.  I took a half a minute to relish in their quaking, their reactions which were incredulous that I even think of beating them.  Their look of  'damn that bitch is crazy'.   Oh I felt a distinct measure of power in their cowardice.  I had vanquished the renegades.

But BEAT them?? No, I never, ever beat them.  I never even had ever spanked them.  So there LB...

So when Mother's Day rolls around, it's never going to be heart squishy 'oh Mom you're wonderful' because in the back of their minds they do - and will - remember the epic parent fails.

Perfect I am not.  I admit to being caught, more than once, by the toothless child waking up to the 'tooth fairy' slipping the moola under the pillow.  And cheaping out on the baby at Christmas ('He's so young.  What's the difference - he'll never know').

I remember LB asking me, very sincerely, if I EVER READ TO THEM when they were little.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME???  I explained to her that as soon as I could safely balance her pumpkin head atop her skinny little baby shoulders I would have her infant self leaned back against me while I rocked AND READ TO HER.  Oh and another out.of.the.mouth.of.babes:  "Do you like being a mom?"  I guess she had to ask because on this particular day I WAS NOT ENJOYING BEING THE LEADER OF THE BAND.  Sweet little innocent face looking up at me in earnest, asking a very legitimate question.  "YES!" I growled.  Ah memories are made of such.

So I probably won't win any contests for most heartwarming and in my later years they will probably flip a coin to see who has to check the old broad out of the home for the day but my one wish...my one hope...

That someday they are parents too.