Today is my half birthday and it is a significant one. My last birthday in my 50s. And next year...
60.
So technically I'm currently in my sixtieth year This is my 60th summer. And so on.
I had long toyed with the idea of committing to blogging in my march to 60. For the past four post divorce years I've blogged here on and off. A lot of rantings, a lot of musings. Actually over 90 postings, most of which are private...for my eyes only. All done anonymously.
Til now.
What I had intended going forward to be a 'here-I-am-60-nothing-to-be-afraid-of" badass middle aged divorced woman banner is now more of a one-day-at-a-time-life-can-bite-you-in-the-butt saga.
Why? What is different?
I didn't anticipate selling my house and living crammed up in my mother's guest room.
But here I am.
I didn't fathom my beloved son spending a month in a residential recovery program.
But he has.
I couldn't imagine a person so dear to me, a friend of nearly 40 years fighting the beast. Cancer. Pancreatic cancer.
I am gutted.
I didn't dream - but had much hoped - that I would be fortunate enough to have someone in my life again. A significant other. A man. A very manly man.
But I think I do. But in thinking so am taking little tiny baby steps to getting close. We both seem to be.
Honestly, lately, I do not feel up for the challenge.
But then again.
I am.
Monday, August 14, 2017
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Broken
My beautiful boy...how I have failed you.
Failed to keep you safe.
Failed to keep you secure in knowing.
That you are the very essence of goodness. Pure. Sensitive. Vulnerable.
What hardship is this that you currently bear? Why can't I take it away? Why can't I make it better?
Did I ever? Did I ever really, truly ever make it better? Born so perfect, so knowing, so sweet.
How I would love to hold your beautiful little self in my arms again; angelic blond curls; cherubic face. Truly, truly a gift.
How can I keep you from despair if I myself surrender?
Failed to keep you safe.
Failed to keep you secure in knowing.
That you are the very essence of goodness. Pure. Sensitive. Vulnerable.
What hardship is this that you currently bear? Why can't I take it away? Why can't I make it better?
Did I ever? Did I ever really, truly ever make it better? Born so perfect, so knowing, so sweet.
How I would love to hold your beautiful little self in my arms again; angelic blond curls; cherubic face. Truly, truly a gift.
How can I keep you from despair if I myself surrender?
Monday, February 27, 2017
I Still Cry
So an old friend contacted me last week, out of the blue, asking if I would like to have lunch. Of course. She and I did dinner theater back in the day. She and I have lived in the same state for over 20 years.
She and I have not seen each other since my divorce, which is going on four years.
She is friends with my ex, has known him longer than me and I know that they have seen each other - for lunch - several times in the past four years.
So it was a pleasant enough lunch, reminiscing, catching up on kid news.
She then made the comment that my ex was so down all the time; in person, on FB. That he told her the divorce was a COMPLETE SURPRISE, a SHOCK to him. Didn't see it coming.
Of course he didn't.
Then the punchline...
He told her he was pretty certain that there was someone else in my life. That that had to be it. That he was fairly certain I had cheated on him.
Wow.
Well I refuted it of course. But why? Why did I feel the need? I have NOTHING to prove to this woman.
It made me angry that my suspicions about how the divorce was being 'spun' by my moronic ex were realized. That someone had to ask (very bad taste if you ask me). And it made me sad. Sad that I had wasted SO many years just hanging in; sad that I HADN'T strayed. Sad that I had gone without, without love, without sex, without civility for SO. MANY. YEARS.
And here I am nearly four years later, still coming into my own. Actually am seeing a new man. Have a date tomorrow night as a matter of fact. But between seeing him, between those times with him when I feel an incredible lightness of being, I start to doubt. Doubt I'm good enough, young enough, thin enough. The ex is a maestro at orchestrating the doubt in my head. Actually he took up where my mother left off; and she is picking up where he left off. I know, I know...the old Eleanor Roosevelt quote that you have to let someone make you feel insignificant, that the act itself is not that powerful.
I call bullshit. Especially when it comes from someone who you trust and who is supposed to love you.
So I cried a little bit, right at the table, at the revelation. I hope she felt an inch tall.
She and I have not seen each other since my divorce, which is going on four years.
She is friends with my ex, has known him longer than me and I know that they have seen each other - for lunch - several times in the past four years.
So it was a pleasant enough lunch, reminiscing, catching up on kid news.
She then made the comment that my ex was so down all the time; in person, on FB. That he told her the divorce was a COMPLETE SURPRISE, a SHOCK to him. Didn't see it coming.
Of course he didn't.
Then the punchline...
He told her he was pretty certain that there was someone else in my life. That that had to be it. That he was fairly certain I had cheated on him.
Wow.
Well I refuted it of course. But why? Why did I feel the need? I have NOTHING to prove to this woman.
It made me angry that my suspicions about how the divorce was being 'spun' by my moronic ex were realized. That someone had to ask (very bad taste if you ask me). And it made me sad. Sad that I had wasted SO many years just hanging in; sad that I HADN'T strayed. Sad that I had gone without, without love, without sex, without civility for SO. MANY. YEARS.
And here I am nearly four years later, still coming into my own. Actually am seeing a new man. Have a date tomorrow night as a matter of fact. But between seeing him, between those times with him when I feel an incredible lightness of being, I start to doubt. Doubt I'm good enough, young enough, thin enough. The ex is a maestro at orchestrating the doubt in my head. Actually he took up where my mother left off; and she is picking up where he left off. I know, I know...the old Eleanor Roosevelt quote that you have to let someone make you feel insignificant, that the act itself is not that powerful.
I call bullshit. Especially when it comes from someone who you trust and who is supposed to love you.
So I cried a little bit, right at the table, at the revelation. I hope she felt an inch tall.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
Whine City
So if you've come here for intelligent, clever, uplifting chatter...
Keep moving.
I'm not going to make it. Now don't go contacting some international po po to locate my house and bust the door down to prevent me from offing myself. I would never do that...well, I think I wouldn't.
But sometimes it looks promising.
I am really screwed. Negative, negative, NEGATIVE. Don't let her get under your skin. Don't let her get into your head. Says my therapist. Says my kids. UUUGGGGHHH!!!!!!! They don't have to live her.
I calmly tried to have the talk about her maybe going into an independent living community but the bottom line is she is too cheap, too selfish, and too hermit like to even try and have a decent rest of her life. She has the means. Sadly what she lacks is the wherewithall.
No, she rather sit and bitch, night after night after NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AFTER FUCKING NIGHT!!!!!!
I gotta get out of here. I have to leave. I AM ISOLATED AND THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. I don't want to do a Carrie Fisher and croak off when I'm only 60!!!! The stress is KILLING ME.
I have no one to talk with...I even texted 'the crush' today. Certainly not to talk about anything in particular but just to comment on a post of his on FB.
NOTHING.
WHAT THE FUCK?????????????????????????????????
Come on...toss me a bone will YOU PLEASE!!!!!! At least respond 'haha'. Let me know that you at least got it and fucking looked at it for a half a second.
UGH...just forget it.
NOBODY GIVES A SHIT... NOT ONE LITTLE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tired of being EVERYTHING TO EVERY FUCKING BODY...
Because basically you give your self fucking totally away and have nothing left.
N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep moving.
I'm not going to make it. Now don't go contacting some international po po to locate my house and bust the door down to prevent me from offing myself. I would never do that...well, I think I wouldn't.
But sometimes it looks promising.
I am really screwed. Negative, negative, NEGATIVE. Don't let her get under your skin. Don't let her get into your head. Says my therapist. Says my kids. UUUGGGGHHH!!!!!!! They don't have to live her.
I calmly tried to have the talk about her maybe going into an independent living community but the bottom line is she is too cheap, too selfish, and too hermit like to even try and have a decent rest of her life. She has the means. Sadly what she lacks is the wherewithall.
No, she rather sit and bitch, night after night after NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AFTER FUCKING NIGHT!!!!!!
I gotta get out of here. I have to leave. I AM ISOLATED AND THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. I don't want to do a Carrie Fisher and croak off when I'm only 60!!!! The stress is KILLING ME.
I have no one to talk with...I even texted 'the crush' today. Certainly not to talk about anything in particular but just to comment on a post of his on FB.
NOTHING.
WHAT THE FUCK?????????????????????????????????
Come on...toss me a bone will YOU PLEASE!!!!!! At least respond 'haha'. Let me know that you at least got it and fucking looked at it for a half a second.
UGH...just forget it.
NOBODY GIVES A SHIT... NOT ONE LITTLE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tired of being EVERYTHING TO EVERY FUCKING BODY...
Because basically you give your self fucking totally away and have nothing left.
N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Disappearing Act
I'm disappearing for awhile...from social media.
Life is complicated. Why does it have to be so damn complicated?
Well my life at least...
Ha...no more posting - make that pining - about my big city crush. No longer relevant. No, I've taken 20 steps backward since my divorce 3 years ago. I recently sold my home and moved in with my mother. Temporarily was the thinking for that brilliant move. I was struggling financially and LP is in his senior year at University so I wanted to be able to afford to get him housing near campus. Couldn't do both mortgage and that...not that his apartment was the sole reason. It wasn't. Life's hard on the outside...no help from his dad so what the heck...I sold and put ALL my stuff in storage and moved with just my bed and clothes to my mom's.
UGH.
One week before I moved mom suffered a stroke. Fortunately, it was mild and she does not have any physical residuals except that her foot is numb...her driving foot. So she cannot drive. Which has made her - and me - crazy. Also, mentally/emotionally it has affected her. She has just enough short term memory loss to really jack with things. It's like living with freaking Dory from 'Finding Nemo'. She doesn't remember stuff and then gets furious if I gently say that she was told this or that. So now I just don't bother to say anything. I will let her just think that the doctor didn't explain - several times now - why she now takes Metoprolol instead of Toprol or why she got a convection oven capacity with the new oven she purchased. "I don't want a convection oven."
Well you got one now.
So her having the stroke a week before I closed and moved wreaked havoc with all that I had to do. I mean I thought I was going to lose my shit. I know that sounds very selfish but it is truthful. This whole only child thing is not what it's cracked up to be. I got WAY behind the 8 ball with packing up the house and getting the hell out of there. Thank God for a handful of wonderful friends that came over and pitched in. I could have never done it without them and I realize how thankful I am for them and how invaluable they are.
My living with my mother is reinforcement to me that she and I will NEVER understand each other. Right now she is PISSED that she can no longer drive and she takes it out on me. Going to the fucking store is a complete nightmare. My daily commute is between an hour and an hour and a half. So by the time I hit the door at 6:30 p.m. she's mad that we're having to start out to the store so late. SORRY!
Negative - negative - negative. That's what good old 'home' is. Nothing new. Same shit as all my growing up years. Dinner was spent with my face in my plate while she unloaded - railed against everyone in her day that pissed her off. On and on and fucking on...she barely took a breath. Just an ongoing barrage of all these horrible people's horrible actions during her day. Did I mention the woman worked for 34 years and came away from that experience with not ONE friend?? Sadly, mom never learned how to be or have a friend. Which is totally weird because her mother, my beloved grandmother, and her sister, my beloved aunt, were very social and had many friends. Mom? Nope. She has one friend from high school that she talks to by phone maybe once a month and then she totally complains about her and their conversations.
Anyway, seems there's never a good evening to go to the store. Oh...wait...yes there is...it's the evening I have something planned. Passive-aggressive is the MO du jour. Many a time in these last four months have I literally walked through the front door only to be met by an onslaught of venom. I proceed with caution but I don't know why I do because each of my approaches is met with the same reception. So far Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday and Friday are HORRIBLE evenings to go to the store. This past Friday - because she hadn't wanted to go the ENTIRE earlier part of the week and I was busy Thursday - I came through the door, said 'hello' and 'Ready to go to the store?" and I get the hands thrown up in the air "Well we need to eat and we need to go to the store and if we do both we won't get home til 10:30!!" I feel like saying well if you didn't take so fucking long to do both, they're very doable in a reasonable amount of time!
I posted a recent foray to the grocery store on my FB account. It was meant to be humorous...it was about the pursuit of chocolate syrup and how the canned syrup (her preferred product) is "the real chocolate syrup" and the squeeze bottle isn't. THREE stores later I find the fucker and compare the two - THE SAME. Well, I thought this account was pretty funny but my FB friends doped it all up and were saying things like "you're in charge now" (uh, NOPE - she's still fierce which is the majority of the problem) and "oh cherish these days together."
SERIOUSLY.??
My mom is not difficult and stubborn and tempermental bc of her stroke or old age. She has always been difficult and selfish and a racist (oh, haven't gone THERE yet) and she's always given me a run for my money. So I deleted the post. What my dear friends don't know nor understand is this is the woman who is an island. She is selfish and controlling. My children do not want to come around her because she never cares what they are doing or how they are. It's always blah, blah, blah about how bad the world is, how bad our country is. She will proudly state "I am a racist and proud of it." Wow. Once we were talking - at Thanksgiving no less - and the subject of God and the current President came up. She said something totally ignorant and I said "Well you know God loves President Obama too" Haha She looked at me and sarcastically said "Oh really??"
Yeah she's a real treat. She told me when I was 16 and having enough trouble with teenage angst that she never intended to have children. She has always driven home the fact that my father was a drunk and 'brought shame on the family'. Holy crap the man's been dead for 52 years can't she just give it a fucking rest???
Oh and did you know that I get my clothes from Omar the Tent Maker?? I'm about 5'7" and probably a size 16. Haven't always been...since my kids came along I got chunky. She's always on me about my weight. Her? She's 5' now (was 5'2") and NEVER a weight problem. I made the mistake of recently divulging my current weight to her, mostly because I was a little surprised when I went to the drs and the scale said !!. She literally recoiled in horror and exclaimed "Oh my God! Why are you like that?! Your mother and father weren't FAT!!"
Wow...just WOW.
Also she has relented and said I could get my sofa out of storage and put it in her livingroom. Because...wait for it...she doesn't want hers to get sunken in from my sitting on it.
Oh...My...God. Shoot me now.
I feel guilty that I feel so negatively toward her. I have always struggled with the 'honor thy Father and thy Mother' thing. I try to see that she's my only parent and who knows how much longer she has (my personal feeling is God's going to keep her here until we can get it right and I'm afraid that's gonna take a LONG time). I have tried to be company for her. There's very little we have in common TV watching wise and with the things we do - like 'Dancing with the Stars' - she and her comments will always make it such a wonderful viewing experience. NOT.
Every time someone of color is on she HAS to comment. "Ugh another black one" or "What IS she? She's not white." Oh God, how am I going to survive. I thought I was done with living like this YEARS ago.
Please pray for me...
Life is complicated. Why does it have to be so damn complicated?
Well my life at least...
Ha...no more posting - make that pining - about my big city crush. No longer relevant. No, I've taken 20 steps backward since my divorce 3 years ago. I recently sold my home and moved in with my mother. Temporarily was the thinking for that brilliant move. I was struggling financially and LP is in his senior year at University so I wanted to be able to afford to get him housing near campus. Couldn't do both mortgage and that...not that his apartment was the sole reason. It wasn't. Life's hard on the outside...no help from his dad so what the heck...I sold and put ALL my stuff in storage and moved with just my bed and clothes to my mom's.
UGH.
One week before I moved mom suffered a stroke. Fortunately, it was mild and she does not have any physical residuals except that her foot is numb...her driving foot. So she cannot drive. Which has made her - and me - crazy. Also, mentally/emotionally it has affected her. She has just enough short term memory loss to really jack with things. It's like living with freaking Dory from 'Finding Nemo'. She doesn't remember stuff and then gets furious if I gently say that she was told this or that. So now I just don't bother to say anything. I will let her just think that the doctor didn't explain - several times now - why she now takes Metoprolol instead of Toprol or why she got a convection oven capacity with the new oven she purchased. "I don't want a convection oven."
Well you got one now.
So her having the stroke a week before I closed and moved wreaked havoc with all that I had to do. I mean I thought I was going to lose my shit. I know that sounds very selfish but it is truthful. This whole only child thing is not what it's cracked up to be. I got WAY behind the 8 ball with packing up the house and getting the hell out of there. Thank God for a handful of wonderful friends that came over and pitched in. I could have never done it without them and I realize how thankful I am for them and how invaluable they are.
My living with my mother is reinforcement to me that she and I will NEVER understand each other. Right now she is PISSED that she can no longer drive and she takes it out on me. Going to the fucking store is a complete nightmare. My daily commute is between an hour and an hour and a half. So by the time I hit the door at 6:30 p.m. she's mad that we're having to start out to the store so late. SORRY!
Negative - negative - negative. That's what good old 'home' is. Nothing new. Same shit as all my growing up years. Dinner was spent with my face in my plate while she unloaded - railed against everyone in her day that pissed her off. On and on and fucking on...she barely took a breath. Just an ongoing barrage of all these horrible people's horrible actions during her day. Did I mention the woman worked for 34 years and came away from that experience with not ONE friend?? Sadly, mom never learned how to be or have a friend. Which is totally weird because her mother, my beloved grandmother, and her sister, my beloved aunt, were very social and had many friends. Mom? Nope. She has one friend from high school that she talks to by phone maybe once a month and then she totally complains about her and their conversations.
Anyway, seems there's never a good evening to go to the store. Oh...wait...yes there is...it's the evening I have something planned. Passive-aggressive is the MO du jour. Many a time in these last four months have I literally walked through the front door only to be met by an onslaught of venom. I proceed with caution but I don't know why I do because each of my approaches is met with the same reception. So far Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday and Friday are HORRIBLE evenings to go to the store. This past Friday - because she hadn't wanted to go the ENTIRE earlier part of the week and I was busy Thursday - I came through the door, said 'hello' and 'Ready to go to the store?" and I get the hands thrown up in the air "Well we need to eat and we need to go to the store and if we do both we won't get home til 10:30!!" I feel like saying well if you didn't take so fucking long to do both, they're very doable in a reasonable amount of time!
I posted a recent foray to the grocery store on my FB account. It was meant to be humorous...it was about the pursuit of chocolate syrup and how the canned syrup (her preferred product) is "the real chocolate syrup" and the squeeze bottle isn't. THREE stores later I find the fucker and compare the two - THE SAME. Well, I thought this account was pretty funny but my FB friends doped it all up and were saying things like "you're in charge now" (uh, NOPE - she's still fierce which is the majority of the problem) and "oh cherish these days together."
SERIOUSLY.??
My mom is not difficult and stubborn and tempermental bc of her stroke or old age. She has always been difficult and selfish and a racist (oh, haven't gone THERE yet) and she's always given me a run for my money. So I deleted the post. What my dear friends don't know nor understand is this is the woman who is an island. She is selfish and controlling. My children do not want to come around her because she never cares what they are doing or how they are. It's always blah, blah, blah about how bad the world is, how bad our country is. She will proudly state "I am a racist and proud of it." Wow. Once we were talking - at Thanksgiving no less - and the subject of God and the current President came up. She said something totally ignorant and I said "Well you know God loves President Obama too" Haha She looked at me and sarcastically said "Oh really??"
Yeah she's a real treat. She told me when I was 16 and having enough trouble with teenage angst that she never intended to have children. She has always driven home the fact that my father was a drunk and 'brought shame on the family'. Holy crap the man's been dead for 52 years can't she just give it a fucking rest???
Oh and did you know that I get my clothes from Omar the Tent Maker?? I'm about 5'7" and probably a size 16. Haven't always been...since my kids came along I got chunky. She's always on me about my weight. Her? She's 5' now (was 5'2") and NEVER a weight problem. I made the mistake of recently divulging my current weight to her, mostly because I was a little surprised when I went to the drs and the scale said !!. She literally recoiled in horror and exclaimed "Oh my God! Why are you like that?! Your mother and father weren't FAT!!"
Wow...just WOW.
Also she has relented and said I could get my sofa out of storage and put it in her livingroom. Because...wait for it...she doesn't want hers to get sunken in from my sitting on it.
Oh...My...God. Shoot me now.
I feel guilty that I feel so negatively toward her. I have always struggled with the 'honor thy Father and thy Mother' thing. I try to see that she's my only parent and who knows how much longer she has (my personal feeling is God's going to keep her here until we can get it right and I'm afraid that's gonna take a LONG time). I have tried to be company for her. There's very little we have in common TV watching wise and with the things we do - like 'Dancing with the Stars' - she and her comments will always make it such a wonderful viewing experience. NOT.
Every time someone of color is on she HAS to comment. "Ugh another black one" or "What IS she? She's not white." Oh God, how am I going to survive. I thought I was done with living like this YEARS ago.
Please pray for me...
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Coasting
Here we are two weeks from Christmas and I entitled this post 'Coasting'?
Am I nuts?
Nope. Just different. Gone away are the days of beating myself to death to shop, clean, entertain and decorate with the goal of providing a perfect holiday experience to my loved ones. Oh I still 'love' all that but the scenarios are different now. The kids are pretty much grown at 21 and 25. I'm single and working two jobs. I don't have that desire and need to be the perfect Mistress of Christmas. Oh not that those days are gone forever but the rotation I'm on now is one of less is more. I'm not even cooking Christmas dinner -- going out to Chinese buffet. Should be fun! Just me, my mother and the kids.
This time last year I was gearing up to make my pilgrimage to my father's grave on Christmas Eve, the 50th anniversary of his death. I SO needed to do that. I truly believe that it helped me exact some sort of closure. My emotions are much more in check regarding my father. i now feel a peace, like I've paid him some attention, some reverence. That was so unfinished with me.
I no longer recount the 'old days' any more. I truly have made my peace.
So where I am this Christmas...surprisingly tranquil. I say surprisingly because I am still having financial challenges but none which will make me lose my home. I really appreciate my weekend job. I am BUSY, make no mistake. And exhausted at having hardly any down time. But the job is rewarding and the time there passes so quickly. My 'real' job is good. I am secure there as secure as secure can be. My kids are good. LP is halfway done his JUNIOR year - where did the time go?? LB is still plugging away in L.A. I am proud of them.
The world is so crazy now...so mean. I, personally, am SICK of the vitriol. So I am going to rise above it and try and steer clear of knee-jerk reactions and generalizing. Everything is so black and white -- no areas of gray. But that just isn't life, is it? Everything is NOT one way or the other. So many considerations can go into a situation, can factor into an opinion. The media sets the fire and stirs the pot. Everyone is SO outspoken and just mean. I just want to live peacefully and intelligently and happily. My crush texted me something very simple and very sweet. He said "...without sounding too cloying or self-serving, I think it is important to be happy!" Oh so do I my dear one!
It's a conscious effort, isn't it? To be 'happy'. I think happy means different things to different people. I think you can have a bad day, or week, and still consider yourself 'happy'. Happy is an outlook type of thing. Looking for...seeking out...the good in others AND ourselves. I also think happy is contentment.
So I guess you could say I'm contented. So many times in the past several years I have felt impatient and uncertain. It's weird but lately I just have a C-A-L-M about me...my heart and my spirit are being shifted into neutral. It's like the powers that be are saying "OK let's just see what happens...what comes...what GROWS"
Though I have not been making a conscious effort to do so -- well maybe a little bit -- I have been holding back texting my crush. And you know what? Now he has been texting me! And he has NO idea how much that just makes my world electric!
I have such an incredible positive feeling about "J"...when I think of him and how he fits into my life...I have such an emotional affinity to this sweetheart of a man. My intuition tells me that our hearts are connected. I think, for me, the fact that he and I have suffered tremendous loss in our formative years, has given us an indelible connection. I have a feeling that I would understand him. There's something about him that just makes me want to...to protect him. Funny to think about because he is a big guy, hardly needing 'protection'. But I already feel that I have 'his back' as they say. I can visualize us making a life together, being each other's best friend and partner. I mean, when you look at it, we could have a good 25 years or more together. The more time that passes, the more plausible it becomes to me.
So right now I am coasting. Thinking GOOD things about life and love in general. I have a hunch that BOTH of us are starting to think long term. It is a time for putting things in our life into perspective. I get the impression from "j" that he is very goal oriented and that he needs certain goals to come to fruition before he makes an emotional move. Well, this sometimes stymies personal and emotional growth. I have a feeling that he is cautiously looking at the 'what ifs' of he and I. I'm really hoping that his heart will start overriding his head. Hoping...hoping...and hoping. And believing! In the power of love and fondness and admiration.
I have a very, very profound feeling that 2016 is going to be a STELLAR year. This isn't about me being infatuated with a handsome, charismatic man. It is about feeling a deep down familiarity, a calm, STRONG connection with the heart of someone so dear. It's about purpose and commitment and just feeling like we both are on the cusp of a really, really WONDERFUL phase in both our lives, of lives intertwined. It's about taking chances and being there and LIVING.
And I am feeling so strong and so focused and so CONFIDENT that good, positive changes and occurrences are shortly forthcoming.
All it takes is a first step and taking a chance on something very, very good.
Am I nuts?
Nope. Just different. Gone away are the days of beating myself to death to shop, clean, entertain and decorate with the goal of providing a perfect holiday experience to my loved ones. Oh I still 'love' all that but the scenarios are different now. The kids are pretty much grown at 21 and 25. I'm single and working two jobs. I don't have that desire and need to be the perfect Mistress of Christmas. Oh not that those days are gone forever but the rotation I'm on now is one of less is more. I'm not even cooking Christmas dinner -- going out to Chinese buffet. Should be fun! Just me, my mother and the kids.
This time last year I was gearing up to make my pilgrimage to my father's grave on Christmas Eve, the 50th anniversary of his death. I SO needed to do that. I truly believe that it helped me exact some sort of closure. My emotions are much more in check regarding my father. i now feel a peace, like I've paid him some attention, some reverence. That was so unfinished with me.
I no longer recount the 'old days' any more. I truly have made my peace.
So where I am this Christmas...surprisingly tranquil. I say surprisingly because I am still having financial challenges but none which will make me lose my home. I really appreciate my weekend job. I am BUSY, make no mistake. And exhausted at having hardly any down time. But the job is rewarding and the time there passes so quickly. My 'real' job is good. I am secure there as secure as secure can be. My kids are good. LP is halfway done his JUNIOR year - where did the time go?? LB is still plugging away in L.A. I am proud of them.
The world is so crazy now...so mean. I, personally, am SICK of the vitriol. So I am going to rise above it and try and steer clear of knee-jerk reactions and generalizing. Everything is so black and white -- no areas of gray. But that just isn't life, is it? Everything is NOT one way or the other. So many considerations can go into a situation, can factor into an opinion. The media sets the fire and stirs the pot. Everyone is SO outspoken and just mean. I just want to live peacefully and intelligently and happily. My crush texted me something very simple and very sweet. He said "...without sounding too cloying or self-serving, I think it is important to be happy!" Oh so do I my dear one!
It's a conscious effort, isn't it? To be 'happy'. I think happy means different things to different people. I think you can have a bad day, or week, and still consider yourself 'happy'. Happy is an outlook type of thing. Looking for...seeking out...the good in others AND ourselves. I also think happy is contentment.
So I guess you could say I'm contented. So many times in the past several years I have felt impatient and uncertain. It's weird but lately I just have a C-A-L-M about me...my heart and my spirit are being shifted into neutral. It's like the powers that be are saying "OK let's just see what happens...what comes...what GROWS"
Though I have not been making a conscious effort to do so -- well maybe a little bit -- I have been holding back texting my crush. And you know what? Now he has been texting me! And he has NO idea how much that just makes my world electric!
I have such an incredible positive feeling about "J"...when I think of him and how he fits into my life...I have such an emotional affinity to this sweetheart of a man. My intuition tells me that our hearts are connected. I think, for me, the fact that he and I have suffered tremendous loss in our formative years, has given us an indelible connection. I have a feeling that I would understand him. There's something about him that just makes me want to...to protect him. Funny to think about because he is a big guy, hardly needing 'protection'. But I already feel that I have 'his back' as they say. I can visualize us making a life together, being each other's best friend and partner. I mean, when you look at it, we could have a good 25 years or more together. The more time that passes, the more plausible it becomes to me.
So right now I am coasting. Thinking GOOD things about life and love in general. I have a hunch that BOTH of us are starting to think long term. It is a time for putting things in our life into perspective. I get the impression from "j" that he is very goal oriented and that he needs certain goals to come to fruition before he makes an emotional move. Well, this sometimes stymies personal and emotional growth. I have a feeling that he is cautiously looking at the 'what ifs' of he and I. I'm really hoping that his heart will start overriding his head. Hoping...hoping...and hoping. And believing! In the power of love and fondness and admiration.
I have a very, very profound feeling that 2016 is going to be a STELLAR year. This isn't about me being infatuated with a handsome, charismatic man. It is about feeling a deep down familiarity, a calm, STRONG connection with the heart of someone so dear. It's about purpose and commitment and just feeling like we both are on the cusp of a really, really WONDERFUL phase in both our lives, of lives intertwined. It's about taking chances and being there and LIVING.
And I am feeling so strong and so focused and so CONFIDENT that good, positive changes and occurrences are shortly forthcoming.
All it takes is a first step and taking a chance on something very, very good.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Where'd You Learn to Love Like That?
That's what I would ask my boss.
Now don't go getting all ahead of yourself. My boss, whom I have worked for for six years now, is the world's biggest boy scout. I can honestly, totally say without reservation that he is the most honorable, most truthful man I know.
And he adores his wife of 42 years.
It's astounding. I mean, he's not gushy or always talking about her but it's just the little things. The things in their life that they have so down pat. Like last night, when I was about to lay my tired ass head on the pillow to go to sleep, my cellphone lights up. Sure now I'm thinking that it's my crush in the big city. Nope. It's my boss. Texting a photo of his wife...doing balloon art...to his grandkids and other kid guests after Thanksgiving dinner. THE dinner she shopped for, cooked and served to, oh I don't know, about 10 people!
Let's call her 'Carol'. Carol has got to be the most genuine, caring, effusive, most personable woman I've ever met. And my boss...we'll call him 'Bob'. As I said he is very upright. Some may even call him stiff. It's taken six years for he and I to get to the point where we can joke, but it's ALWAYS within the realm of 'safe' and 'G rated'. My ex, when meeting Bob for the first time at a gathering at his house, said Bob was 'Rainman'. Hmmm...maybe sometimes.
So to say Bob and Carol complement each other's personalities is an understatement. She is hostess extraordinaire. She does crafts and NOTHING is underdone insofar as entertaining and decorating are concerned. Their house looks like an ad for The Pottery Barn. Everything beautiful and coordinated and neat and tidy. Yeah Bob would NEVER go for the untidy, chaotic, fly by the seat of your pants lifestyle. They really are like a throw back to the fifties. They are VERY social and entertain or go out regularly. He is NEVER underdressed. I would be shocked if he EVER sat around in sweats and a t-shirt. Carol is not so stringent on her apparel though she knows how to present herself and be the perfect executive spouse.
And she seems just happy and content to be that way!
So back to the gist of my post. My boss reveres his wife. He NEVER downplays her nor expresses, even in a joking manner, anything but RESPECT for her. Yes, yes, that MUST be it! It's not just LOVE but RESPECT.
The concept is so foreign to me.
Where did they get it? From what I can tell my boss was brought up in a household not unlike himself - tightly wound. He has even said his mom was a worrier. A colleague of ours, who was at a social engagement with Bob & Carol, said that Carol laughingly remarked that everyone in Bob's family drank. And that his sister is an alcoholic. I have seen his sister several times and she looks as though she is battling something.
But Carol? From what I can gather, she had just the most even, loving upbringing. Very middle class. Parents who married young and raised a large, loud, loving family. Carol is the oldest. Never missed A DAY of school (another tidbit my boss proudly relayed to me). From what my boss says, she's the one who calls the shots with the other siblings, etc.
So she is 'perfect' but she would certainly be the first person to tell you she is not. But she has cracked the code with my boss and being married for so long and putting up with all his idiosyncrasies. Maybe it is that she is SO secure in herself that she overlooks his perfectionism. Maybe she cheerfully ignores when he comments that she has never learned to load the dishwasher correctly (which he revealed in a toast he gave for a couple coworker's wedding shower). She delights in his peculiarities. She obviously respects him. She - and he - take NOTHING for granted. They are obviously very cognizant of their many, many blessings that they have worked together and built together and shared together.
They are really a beautiful couple to behold. And those types really don't come around too much in life. I sure wish you could bottle it but you can't.
Tonight, he and their two grown children are throwing her a surprise birthday party. The three dozen people they invited ALL rsvp'd that they are coming. Amazing.
I am definitely in awe...and at times, disbelief. I genuinely like Carol but I have tried to dislike her...in my mind, snark about her energizer bunny type exuberance. But you can't NOT like her. She is an amazing human being. Discredit her? Find SOMETHING fake or untrue? Ain't gonna find it. Truly, truly a wonderful person.
I am jealous...which is the problem. I bet Carol doesn't have a jealous bone in her body. And I bet that if my boss was not a high level exec, Carol would STILL be exactly the same. It's just the fabric she's cut from...good, strong, sensible stock.
I guess what I'm saying...feeling...seeing in their relationship, is two people who 1) are happy with themselves and 2) committed and selfless in regards to their relationship. Both are strong and EQUAL and SUPPORTIVE. Though my boss does stuff for her that may lead one to think she is subservient (like he pays ALL the bills and even does her online airline check in when she's traveling - which she does ALOT. One time when he was out of town on business and she was also traveling alone, I had to reroute her flight because she had no idea how to. Weird but she wasn't embarrassed or anything, just appreciative.) He also does stuff for Carol that AMAZES me...like the time he cut out shapes for a project she was making for a celebration of some sort. He did this at work...arts and crafts at work. And he's a VP! I was, again, amazed.
Quite a study these two. And I think it boils down to personal contentment, commitment, love, and respect.
Pretty rare and pretty cool.
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