Starting Here, Starting Now

So here I am up at nearly midnight...on a work night.  I was in bed, ready for sleep.  Watching a little TV.  Surfing then looking at the UVerse menu I see a program that I had heard about - "The C Word" on PBS.

So I watched.  Wonderfully done.  If you haven't guessed, about a women's battle with cancer.  About struggles, a horrible, insidious disease and about a life well lived and an illness well fought.

So now I'm up.  Thinking about the show.  And about my life.

Earlier today I resigned the part-time gig.  Going on five months.  I certainly still need the extra money but I do not need the extra stress that the working environment there laid on me.  I think the owner is a whack job.  I mean she is kinda psycho.  I won't go into it here because it is over and done and I am not spending one more millisecond thinking about her last tirade because by doing so I would be reliving it.  I went straight there this morning - on the way to my real job - and handed in my resignation.

Felt good.

Also today, at the end of an email LB sent me was a quote by Buddha:

"The Trouble is...we think we have time".

Actually I Googled it and the quote is not actually from the lips of Buddha but really an understanding, a restating of a teaching of Buddha.

But I like it.  And it with the TV program I watched earlier made me think.

The whole life is short thing.  It is.  Now I'm really antsy to go and do and have adventures.  But life gets in the way with work and responsibilities and mortgages and elderly parent and health insurance and on and on.

Sure kills spontaneity

Oh it all will come.  I am certain of it.  But then I think.  What if I wait too long?  What if I get cancer?  Dear God, what if I lose my health by one means or another?  The thought of not being viable scares the hell out of me.

And what about procrastination and missed opportunity; the whole 'you think you have time' thing.  My friend J thinks I should tell my crush that I'm crazy about him.  Yep she said "Does he know how you feel?"  Nope not fully.  I'm afraid he would think me idealistic, romantic, sophomoric.  Psychotic, obsessive, delusional.  Ha!  I don't know about telling him...

Well anyway I have actually been feeling super positive these past couple of weeks.  No reason to really.  Still in debt, still poor, still a wallflower.  But free and totally thankful for all in my life.  90% of the time we do not know how fortunate we are.  I am SO lucky to have great kids, my health, a job, a home, darling pets, one or two super close friends, a healthy libido, a sense of humor and a sense of folly.  And a GREAT imagination.

Well don't really know where I'm going with this post other than I'm motivated to be a little bold in my relationships...better my communications.