I Still Cry

So an old friend contacted me last week, out of the blue, asking if I would like to have lunch.  Of course.  She and I did dinner theater back in the day.  She and I have lived in the same state for over 20 years.

She and I have not seen each other since my divorce, which is going on four years.

She is friends with my ex, has known him longer than me and I know that they have seen each other - for lunch - several times in the past four years.

So it was a pleasant enough lunch, reminiscing, catching up on kid news.

She then made the comment that my ex was so down all the time; in person, on FB.  That he told her the divorce was a COMPLETE SURPRISE, a SHOCK to him.  Didn't see it coming.

Of course he didn't.

Then the punchline...

He told her he was pretty certain that there was someone else in my life.  That that had to be it.  That he was fairly certain I had cheated on him.

Wow.

Well I refuted it of course.  But why?  Why did I feel the need?  I have NOTHING to prove to this woman.

It made me angry that my suspicions about how the divorce was being 'spun' by my moronic ex were realized.  That someone had to ask (very bad taste if you ask me).  And it made me sad.  Sad that I had wasted SO many years just hanging in; sad that I HADN'T strayed.  Sad that I had gone without, without love, without sex, without civility for SO. MANY. YEARS.

And here I am nearly four years later, still coming into my own.  Actually am seeing a new man.  Have a date tomorrow night as a matter of fact.  But between seeing him, between those times with him when I feel an incredible lightness of being, I start to doubt.  Doubt I'm good enough, young enough, thin enough.  The ex is a  maestro at orchestrating the doubt in my head.  Actually he took up where my mother left off; and she is picking up where he left off.  I know, I know...the old Eleanor Roosevelt quote that you have to let someone make you feel insignificant, that the act itself is not that powerful.

I call bullshit.  Especially when it comes from someone who you trust and who is supposed to love you.

So I cried a little bit, right at the table, at the revelation.  I hope she felt an inch tall.