Duty Calls

My friend that I reconnected with in September contacted me today and invited me to meet her and her husband in New Orleans over Christmas.  Either 'Nawlins' or Jamaica. 

Wow...I would love to...

But  I can't.

And I'm a bit jealous that they can.

L is a couple of years younger than me.  Her husband J is my age, I believe.  They married and had their family a lot earlier than I did so their youngest is around 27.  All their children are grown and educated and pretty much started on their own path.

So L and J don't necessarily have to be home central for the holidays.

And L is one of eight kids so she also doesn't have full custodial care of her parents, both in their 80's.

So they're definitely at a different point than me.  And did I mention that her husband is 'retired'?  Yes, he is a CPA and he retired from his company, they moved to the beach and he now does accounting for several hotels.  His job is flexible; hers too as she is a therapist.

Nice.

I truly enjoy doing the whole home for the holidays thing, I really do, but this flexibility is proving intriguing too.  It would be nice to at least have the option.  With my plans of spending 24 hours back east for my father's death anniversary I have gotten resistance from my mom.  Can you imagine if I just deep sixed holidays at home all together?? Yikes!  Sacrilege!

Maybe it's more about raising your family up to be independent... Even though L and J actually have grandchildren they don't seem to have the need to be present in their lives all.the.time.  I think our society has somewhat blurred the lines of familial responsibilities and expectations.  It seems that children are taking longer to launch and be independent and become grown ups.  I concede, I believe it's the parents' fault and I can be guilty in this regard.  We all seem to just want to swoop in and rescue them.

But that doesn't help them achieve maturity, independence and self-esteem, does it?  But it's also hard to do  And I am thinking that it's actually harder for divorced parents.  I mean, we probably feel we've already let them down in some way so why not try and make everything else OK?

Not a good idea.

I'm always learning...self appraisal, self awareness.  When I stayed with L and J in September it was a good scenario for me.  They have been married 30 years.  Certainly have had their ups and downs but seemingly are truly one unit.  A team.  We hear about that all the time but do we ever really see examples.  Well I now have.  And it is refreshing.  Maybe their children are so independent because their parents are so grounded.  And devoted to one another.

Yikes.  I'm in trouble.

You know I skirt the issues of my marriage in my posts but I do have to say this, it wasn't always crappy with former spouse and myself.  We used to laugh - ALOT - and I believe it's so important.  When we stopped laughing...well that's when the cracks began to show.  And we were a team for awhile...a long while.  Why former spouse used to tell me quite often "[my name], you are my rock".  Don't really recall when that got off the track but it was a gradual, eroding type of process.  I had many people comment to me over the years that former spouse and I seemed to be soul mates.  Even our daughter-in-law commented once that for all the crap, we were really, truly soul mates.  Oh my...

So L and J have cracked the code.  They have gotten it right.  You know I was just reading online one very, very important trait to make sure your mate possesses...and that is how they will react...how they will treat you in illness.  Oh, you say people certainly step up in times of trouble, in times of sickness.  Actually, not always.  Now in the case of L and J, he has seen her at death's door.  She was very, very ill - for about six months - with C-diff (that was misdiagnosed and that mistake nearly killed her).  She was so ill that she lost all her hair, lost control over her bowels, was so weak she couldn't walk or raise her arms and she still has - and will have - residual health deficits because of it.  Through it all J was her rock.

I remember an instance, maybe a year or so before our divorce, when former spouse and I both said we didn't want to be nursemaids.  Ouch.  I said it first because I was so fed up with his not taking care of himself.  At nearly 300 pounds, he was just getting more and more sedentary and his health was starting to suffer for it.  I tried to cook healthy, balanced meals and encourage him to join me on my daily walks to no avail.  "I don't think you're supposed to exercise every day" and he was serious when saying this!  So I told him I didn't want to be a nursemaid, thinking it may goad him into taking better care of himself.  Nope.  He just reacted with "Well I don't want to be a nursemaid either."

Also empathy on his part was ALWAYS lacking in our relationship.  I used to say that he had cornered the market on pain and suffering because no one was ever as sick or sicker than him.  I actually had gone through some very scary heart issues - for several years - most of which he missed when he was working overseas.  When he came home one Christmas and I was having a bout of heart racing, he mimicked me and chided "oh my heart, my heart".  Not cool.

So anyway, don't know how I got on the path of talking about how insensitive or boorish spousal behavior can become but I know this...L and J have it figured out.  The partnership thing.  The respect thing.  The mutual love thing.

And you can't bottle that.  Which is too bad...

So by having this wonderful, solid marriage, they can go to New Orleans at Christmas.

Nice.