Coasting

Here we are two weeks from Christmas and I entitled this post 'Coasting'?

Am I nuts?

Nope.  Just different.  Gone away are the days of beating myself to death to shop, clean, entertain and decorate with the goal of providing a perfect holiday experience to my loved ones.  Oh I still 'love' all that but the scenarios are different now.  The kids are pretty much grown at 21 and 25.  I'm single and working two jobs.  I don't have that desire and need to be the perfect Mistress of Christmas.  Oh not that those days are gone forever but the rotation I'm on now is one of less is more.  I'm not even cooking Christmas dinner -- going out to Chinese buffet.  Should be fun!  Just me, my mother and the kids. 

This time last year I was gearing up to make my pilgrimage to my father's grave on Christmas Eve, the 50th anniversary of his death.  I SO needed to do that.  I truly believe that it helped me exact some sort of closure.  My emotions are much more in check regarding my father.  i now feel a peace, like I've paid him some attention, some reverence.  That was so unfinished with me.  

I no longer recount the 'old days' any more.  I truly have made my peace.

So where I am this Christmas...surprisingly tranquil.  I say surprisingly because I am still having financial challenges but none which will make me lose my home.  I really appreciate my weekend job.  I am BUSY, make no mistake.  And exhausted at having hardly any down time.  But the job is rewarding and the time there passes so quickly.  My 'real' job is good.  I am secure there as secure as secure can be.  My kids are good.  LP is halfway done his JUNIOR year - where did the time go??  LB is still plugging away in L.A.  I am proud of them.

The world is so crazy now...so mean.  I, personally, am SICK of the vitriol.  So I am going to rise above it and try and steer clear of knee-jerk reactions and generalizing.  Everything is so black and white -- no areas of gray.  But that just isn't life, is it?  Everything is NOT one way or the other.  So many considerations can go into a situation, can factor into an opinion.  The media sets the fire and stirs the pot.  Everyone is SO outspoken and just mean.   I just want to live peacefully and intelligently and happily.  My crush texted me something very simple and very sweet.  He said "...without sounding too cloying or self-serving, I think it is important to be happy!"   Oh so do I my dear one!

It's a conscious effort, isn't it?  To be 'happy'.  I think happy means different things to different people.  I think you can have a bad day, or week, and still consider yourself 'happy'.  Happy is an outlook type of thing.  Looking for...seeking out...the good in others AND ourselves.  I also think happy is contentment.

So I guess you could say I'm contented.  So many times in the past several years I have felt impatient and uncertain.  It's weird but lately I just have a C-A-L-M about me...my heart and my spirit are being shifted into neutral.  It's like the powers that be are saying "OK let's just see what happens...what comes...what GROWS"

Though I have not been making a conscious effort to do so -- well maybe a little bit -- I have been holding back texting my crush.  And you know what?  Now he has been texting me!  And he has NO idea how much that just makes my world electric!

I have such an incredible positive feeling about "J"...when I think of him and how he fits into my life...I have such an emotional affinity to this sweetheart of a man.  My intuition tells me that our hearts are connected.  I think, for me, the fact that he and I have suffered tremendous loss in our formative years, has given us an indelible connection.  I have a feeling that I would understand him.  There's something about him that just makes me want to...to protect him.  Funny to think about because he is a big guy, hardly needing 'protection'.  But I already feel that I have 'his back' as they say.  I can visualize us making a life together, being each other's best friend and partner.  I mean, when you look at it, we could have a good 25 years or more together.  The more time that passes, the more plausible it becomes to me.

So right now I am coasting.  Thinking GOOD things about life and love in general.  I have a hunch that BOTH of us are starting to think long term.  It is a time for putting things in our life into perspective.  I get the impression from "j" that he is very goal oriented and that he needs certain goals to come to fruition before he makes an emotional move.  Well, this sometimes stymies personal and emotional growth.  I have a feeling that he is cautiously looking at the 'what ifs' of he and I.  I'm really hoping that his heart will start overriding his head.  Hoping...hoping...and hoping.  And believing!  In the power of love and fondness and admiration.

I have a very, very profound feeling that 2016 is going to be a STELLAR year.  This isn't about me being infatuated with a handsome, charismatic man.  It is about feeling a deep down familiarity, a calm, STRONG connection with the heart of someone so dear.  It's about purpose and commitment and just feeling like we both are on the cusp of a really, really WONDERFUL phase in both our lives, of lives intertwined. It's about taking chances and being there and LIVING.

And I am feeling so strong and so focused and so CONFIDENT that good, positive changes and occurrences are shortly forthcoming.

All it takes is a first step and taking a chance on something very, very good.