If We Saw Ourselves As Others See Us

"Oh would some power the gift give us, To see ourselves as others see us."- Robert Burns.

In my simplistic little outlook, how much time and energy we could save if we saw ourselves as others see us.  If we could be kinder to ourselves, prouder of ourselves; give ourselves more credit.

This past weekend, I traveled back to the east coast, where I am from, and visited two childhood friends, sisters.  We met each other about 43 years ago when we were young teens.  Gosh that seems so long ago!  We last saw each other on my wedding day - 28 years ago.

How time flies!  And how did so much time pass and let us get away from one another??  As children we were thick as thieves.  They were neighborhood friends living two doors up from me.  We spent every day we could together when we were young.  Even when they moved away to another state, we stayed in touch.  My mom drove me up there in the summers for long weekends; their mom drove me back.  I had been in both their weddings.  Saw both of them become mothers for the first time.

And then...well, I guess we all got busy with our lives.

I remember I loved being at their house.  You see their family had eight children.  Heaven for me the only child!  I was just one of the many up there and I enjoyed their younger brothers as much as I enjoyed being with the girls.  It was chaos while my house was a tomb.  Someone was always yelling and running and getting in trouble.  Meal times were well orchestrated events.  Be slow and you could go hungry.

For this blog I will refer to the sisters as S and L, S being a year older than me and L being two years younger.  We reconnected via Facebook a couple of months ago.  The trip has been long planned and awaited.

This past weekend was game on!

I really, honestly had NO reservations about going to see them.  They did.  L told me they wondered if we would have awkwardness, disconnected quietness between us.  I did not anticipate that at all.  And I was not disappointed.

L told me right before I arrived she and S were excitedly talking about the reunion that was imminent..

"Oh I love [my name].  She was always so much fun and we could always just be ourselves around her" L said S had gushed.

And when L's doorbell rang with me on the doorstep, L said they just squealed and hugged each other like little girls.  I actually heard them both exclaim inside "[my name]!"

The door was opened and all 28 years washed away.

As I like to say when referring to myself - the product is the same but the packaging has changed over the years.  And we were still very much the three girls underneath the women we had become.

So, of course, we got to the present first.  S was divorced as I was.  Her marriage lasted 29 years and she has been married to her second husband six years now.  I was interested in how they met and she said online and that they had met six months after her divorce was final.  S always was the sister to have a boyfriend.  

L has been married to her husband for 30 years come November.  Wow!  And I can tell they are very committed to each other and J is very much a hands on husband.

Words, stories and feelings tumbled forward.  We all at once seemed to alternate benign pleasantries, hysterical memories and injections with those things in life that just make you go 'eh'.  Yes we found that life was just that - life - for the three of us.  I had the feeling of us three long ago, sprawled across beds in their room, discussing boys and philosophies and what we were going to do with our lives.  And here we were, fast forward 40 years, and ours lives had ended up pretty much the way we had envisioned but then again, looking at another angle, really not at all.

Seems that the things we want others to know most have a way at making themselves known.  By that I mean, those things that are somewhat dark but those things that make us who we are.  Quite plainly, life for the three of us certainly wasn't the reality of what it seemed back then.

I was quite surprised to learn, very nearly as soon as I got there, that life was not a picnic in their house growing up.  Apparently their mother and father fought, loudly and intensely, and on top of that their mother played favorites among her eight and L was NOT a favorite...by a long shot.  I will not divulge here the details of their personal struggles but during the course of the weekend so many bad memories were relived by L when revealed to me that my desire to see their parents after 30 years completely disappeared.  Knowing what I know now...these are not people I want to see.

I can tell you that it made me feel good for both 'girls' to tell me that they loved me coming over and spending the night because it meant a night of peace in their household.  I was also told that I was the only outsider, only friend of all the children, that was allowed inside their house - ever.  This surprised me but looking back I don't remember any other children outside their family playing with us.

We laughed over how we loved going over to each other's houses, them mine and mine theirs.  L remembered my pink bedroom verbatim - crazy! And they said they were amazed that at Christmas all the presents under the tree were for me!  I can tell you that L revealed that they NEVER had a good Christmas because their mother would throw all the toys down the stairs, close herself up in a room and maybe, just maybe,emerge nary in time to throw something on the table and call it Christmas dinner.

That was unbelievably sad to me...I would have never guessed.

Over the course of the weekend, two of S and L's brothers joined us at a wine festival.  A great time was had by all and while we were killing about 4 bottles of wine, I noticed T, one of the brothers, sitting across from me and really studying me.

"D, you're just the same.  You look the same and you are laughing and smiling just like you did when we were kids.  I always remember you laughing and smiling...and roller skating up the sidewalk R-E-A-L...S-L-O-W"

HaHa!  That was back in the day of clamp on metal skates with the straps and size adjustment key.  I always hated roller skating!

But oh, laughing and smiling?!  Really?!  The girls agreed.  I always seemed happy.  And that made me feel GREAT.

Kids are resilient I guess...even me.  And though I may think I was always unsure, melancholy and timid, it just goes to show you what the gift of friends can give you. As they say "Friendship doubles the joy and divides the grief."

Amen to that...amen to that.

In A Bit of a Quandary

Jealousy is a strange thing.  Especially when it comes from someone who is supposed to be a friend.

For the past year or so, as I have written, I have reconnected with a number of friends with whom I had lost contact.  It has been a wild, wonderful, smile inducing, sometimes bittersweet, ALWAYS heart brimming ride.

Well, I guess not everyone has thought so...

Seems a friend, a work friend, is going out of her way to drive home to me in sometimes not so subtly couched comments and postings that she is not 'chasing her past', that she's happy and that her husband and daughters are her future and she doesn't need to look backward.  Hmmm...methinks she doth protest too much...

Not quite sure what to do...how to respond...if to acknowledge.  Probably won't.  That's the point, isn't it?  To make me feel small for what is currently lovely for me?  To get a response out of me?  Maybe even to make me feel bad...like she must certainly feel deep down inside because why would anyone chide someone for feeling loved and special and happy?

I just don't get it.

Just jealousy, I guess.

I'll take the high road.  Just smile and be happy and take that road less traveled.

Is There a Card for That?

A couple of days ago, I marked one year of being divorced.  Not that I'm intending to note this every year.  But the first year?  Well it's like the first year of marking anything.  And it doesn't help that not one but two of my office buddies share this date - as their respective wedding anniversaries.  So the longest day is punctuated by not one - but two - deliveries of over the top roses.  And seemingly unending gushing and 'Happy Anniversary'ing over said roses.  And the glowing, kissy kissy Facebook posts by those friends.  Pffft.  I remember both couples in marriage counseling.

But they're still married.

So is there a card commemorating the Assessment of where I am one year later:

Most importantly I am still 100% secure in my decision and that is HUGE. 

Former Spouse, however, is still asking 'What did I do?' and telling me at every opportunity that he still doesn't know why we are divorced.  Precisely.

The latest incarnation of why I divorced him is that I told him I didn't want to be poor.  Never said that.  And I have demonstrated  that is not the case because I am poor and my decision has made me that way.  No, I'm not really poor but there are times that I miss him...his money.  He is jobless but he has a 6 figure bank account...that I let him have.

Yeah, that's how badly I wanted out.  Some things are more important than money.  Like my sanity.

So, secure in my decision.

The downsides:  I have been shutout by my stepson.  Yep.  Been his mom since he was nine but he unfriended me on FB.

'It's only social media' says my student worker.

Me?  It's the cruelest cut.  I'm sure FS has whined and moaned his usual woe is me stories (he now lives with his son and daughter-in-law).  Well I need to focus on me and not get caught up in what others think about me.  I can't control what others think of me.

But what I can change is what I think of me and right now I am empowered  and feeling pretty good about myself.  There are negatives - well one - and that first.  I am back in debt.  Not anything I can't cover monthly but nonetheless back in credit card debt and this is a bit disappointing.  But not  insurmountable.

And now the positives:  I've started taking care of myself:

• I've lost 30 pounds.  I have amped up my fitness levels and am really watching what I eat.  I have regained a lot of respect for myself.  I care about and value myself again.  I love that people notice and I love that attention I get.  And I should get the attention because I have worked HARD at this and it is a BIG accomplishment for me.  I have at least 30 more to go and I will do it.
• I am humbled by the families I encounter in my role at the bereavement counseling organization.    As I have said, the children give me SO much more than I give them.  Being beside them in their journey has opened up a new road to me in my life, my journey. 
• There have been many wonderful reunions with friends this past year...long lost friends.  When I was finally free of my marriage, my heart just opened and I longed to see faces familiar.  It has been wonderful and I will never let those people out of my life again. 
• And finally, after many, many, MANY years of suppressing my feelings, my emotions, I am again (maybe for the first time?) letting those feelings be known.  It started with me telling FS that I was miserable and wanted out of our marriage.  I had feelings, intense convictions, and I was honest.  I let them be known.  Same goes for my strong attachment, my 'crush', if you will, on the individual I wrote about in the previous post.  Even if the feelings aren't quite mutual, aren't returned on the same level as mine...that's OK.  It is really OK.  And the reason that it is ok is the fact that I am feeling and I am telling those feelings and I am healing.  If me having these feelings and letting the person know makes him uncomfortable...I am not sorry  It is not a negative!  How wonderful to have such feelings!!  How wonderful to love and care about someone and tell them.  Give them that gift.  I have wonderful feelings and want them to have wings.  This is NOT saying that I want anything in return.  Oh, of  course, I would LOVE for him to feel the same way - perfection! But if not, I am OK because I am healing and I can express sincere expression and for the first time in forever, I am alive.  And THAT is a great and positive thing!

IJS

Reunion after SO many years.  A beautiful moment.

So many emotions.

Four hours heart to heart.

Two souls finding coordinates in the geometry of life...

Parting again...too soon.  A hug that lingered so beautifully long...you held tight, released markedly last.  Melt.

Infatuated

Besotted.

Befuddled.

Tears.  More tears.  Yearning, longing.  Ridiculous!  Silly old middle age woman.

OK...Cold turkey.  No more yearning.  No more reading - and re-reading - your texts.  No future, no use.  So many miles between.  Move on.

And then?

A text from you...TILT.  Me:  Electric.  Effusive.  Back on!  Screw the 'rules'!

Texts continue.  Months pass.  Another reunion planned.

Together again.  I sense a bit of anxiousness.  I fear I induce nervousness.

Awkwardness (me) at the theater.  Loses something when you have to repeat a playful intimation.  I am slow on the uptake.  Out of practice or simply not thinking you could be flirting with me.  Always thought you were out of my league.

Still do.

Two quick sweet kisses stolen on Broadway.  Looking up into your face - surreal.  A gazillion people swarming the Square on a Saturday night -- at that moment no one there but us.  Why oh why didn't I kiss you back????

The crew all together.  Table of six.  If I could write the script, my whole world - right at that table.

Another parting.  No hugs this time.  Anxiety.  Doubt.

I understand.  I do.  A lot alike.  Same fabric of interwoven melancholy, fears, reservations.  But with our experiences in common maybe...

A chance is all it could take.  JUMP.  I have a feeling.  I have a childlike enthusiasm to just let go and go with it.

No need to be an island.  Two together lessen the load. Your dreams and ambitions I wholeheartedly support and RESPECT.  You.are.amazing and I have loved learning about your journey thus far.  You are so different from what I am used to because you are not lazy, you are not negative and even with all the shit you've gone through in your life, your attitude and demeanor is NOT one of 'oh poor pitiful me'.

That in itself is SO welcome and refreshing to me!

Not asking for a betrothal...just want to maybe explore the possibility of getting closer??  Somewhat scary...I know.

But life is so much better shared. 

So how are you Dollface?

Do you think of me?  I think of you...often. 

I think you could be - become - remain - someone significant in my life.

All this is marginally crazy, I know...

But the fact remains that...

I...

simply...

adore you...IJS

Pause and Reflect

"Pause and Reflect."  That's what the billboard on the highway said today.  With those words, the date 9-11-2001 and two columns representing the towers.

Thirteen years ago.  Amazing that that much time has passed.  Though time does not dull the intense emotion this day elicits.  How can one not be moved by the significance of this day?

Loss of innocence.  Loss of feeling secure.  The date September 11, 2001 joined the ranks of December 7, 1941 and November 22, 1963.  Forever burned in our collective memories.

I was still a stay at home mom back then.  LB was in middle school and LP was a first grader.  On that morning, I was walking into to LP's school to work on launching the annual gift wrap fundraiser.  A friend of mine passed me as I was coming through the front doors.

"I'm going home," she said.  "We're under attack!"

My face obviously registered 'huh?" because she stopped and said "We're under attack.  A plane just hit the World Trade Center!"

My first thought was "oh this has got to be a horrible accident."

Hardly.  I was coming into the school office when the second plane hit.  Many people were crowded around the TV in the principal's office.  Disbelief.  Not a whole lot of words.  Just disbelief.  Eyes riveted on the TV.

Numbly I proceeded down the hall to the teachers' workroom.  The juxtaposition of the happy buzzing of children walking through the hallway and the images I had just seen on the TV made my heart sink.

Their world was never going to be the same again.  What kind of world were they going to inherit where something like this could happen?

More of the same in the teachers' workroom.  Eyes riveted to the TV.

Then the towers came down.  One.  Then the other.  Unspeakable devastation.  It was nearly unbearable to realize the huge, immediate loss of life.  I remember feeling a deep, profound sadness.

Parents were starting to show up at the school to take their children home.  The decision had been made, at least at the elementary school level, NOT to tell the children.  Amazingly, school stayed in session.  This was an unprecedented event.  The best decision, it was agreed, was for the children to stay put.

The rest of the day there at the elementary school was a blur.  I do remember gathering LP at the end of the day.  Him bouncing along full of six year old exuberance, oblivious of the crumbling of the world outside.  We drove to the middle school to pick up LB, LP chattering all the way about this or that.  It was so difficult for me to try and act 'normal'.  Of course, I didn't have to pretend for long. Middle schoolers came pouring out of the building with more speed and deliberation than usual.  I could see LB walking quickly with purpose up to our car.

She flung open the door.

"Mom!  Did you hear what happened?!"  And then just a torrent of questions and observations and collectively trying to make sense of everything.

Turning on TV was the first thing we did and were just glued to it.  Many questions from LP and LB.

Watching the coverage about the World Trade Center and the Pentagon and the plane down in Pennsylvania just made me have an overwhelming desire to be home.  Back in DC.  I could just imagine the worry and confusion there.

I called two friends I hadn't seen in years.  I just had to talk to them.  One was an actress in New York and one a former coworker who I knew had a brother who worked in the WTC.   Both were fine (even the brother who worked at the WTC) and both seemed so comforted and touched that I had called and  I was so glad I did.  The years - they melted away when we heard each others' voices.

FS then came home.

"Makes you wonder if there really is a God." were his first words to his family.

At that moment, I had a 'who is this person?' realization.

To me, that day God was EVERYWHERE.  The humanity; the self sacrifice; the compassion, kindnesses and the pulling together; the reverence - that was God at work.

If there was any 'good' to come out of this horrible event, it was the resolve, the resilience of the American people as they rose to the occasion.  And patriotism, if you will, was demonstrated even among those not usually predisposed to showing any outward allegiance.  This tragedy brought out the very best in mankind.

True, we are no longer the same country.  Tested.  Violated.  Shaken to our core.  Hopeful?  Always.  Forgetting?

Never.

Ladies,Lock Up Your Daughters

So had the grief counseling group tonight.  Loving it and the wonderful little kids that I get to play with on Monday nights.  At the end of group, when the families have gone home, the facilitators sit and debrief, talk about the kids' group, the teen group and the adult group.  Apparently, tonight's topic in the adult group was sexuality.  One of the moms shared that her nine year old (one of our little ones) pointedly told her she needed a man in her life.  Shockwaves!  According to their facilitator, the conversation then went to the fear among the moms that their daughters would be seeking father figures in their lives, that these girls would grow up to seek love in the arms of men old enough to be their fathers.

Oh the disdain from the facilitators - why that could never happen!!

Being that I am new to the group and new to this group of people, I had to tie my tongue in a knot and sit on it.

Yeah, mothers, you may want to lock up your daughters.

Yes, we're doing a wonderful service to these families and yes we are giving these families a place to heal and work through their grief.  But the fact remains that there is loss and when you lose something the natural inclination is to replace it.  As I have posted previously, I learned decades later that my little six year old self, when told of my father's death, immediately asked my mother if we could get another one.  I could tell them now that the natural desire is to return to some semblance of normalcy and that means fill the empty spot at the table.  And that there's always going to be that possibility that when the girl grows up she will yearn for that father figure whether in a man's age or demeanor.

Me?  My first three relationships were all men at least 21 years my senior.  Those guys had a hell of a midlife crisis! And these were not flashes in the proverbial pan.  The first relationship lasted over a year, the second lasted two years.  The third was a big misstep and was short.

And still after all these years I love a manly type man; I gravitate to the big, tall man who, I guess, represents to me that authoritative figure that has always been lacking in my life; the whole strength and protector thing. Men were at a premium in my immediate family.  I had no uncles, no grandfathers, no brothers - no men close to me except for my one cousin on my mother's side, my cousin Nelson who is 18 years my senior.  But he had a family - and issues - of his own.  And funny thing is the whole big, strong daddy type is not even representative of my own father.  My father was a little slip of a guy, only 5'8" and very slight.  Weird.

So yeah ladies there may be some daddy issues for your girls.  But hey, there are worse things in life.  And they may even find one to love them.

A Swing...And a Miss

Well, LB's month long romance is kaput.  She and J had 'the talk' last evening.  Someone who started out with potential of perhaps being 'the one' is, alas, now one of the numerous.

He's not ready for a relationship.

She and I 'talked' by text this morning.  She isn't devastated, thank God.  Just a bit flummoxed.  A little  bit WTF?  'What's a girl gotta do?' was her exact question to me.

She met J at a party of a mutual friend.  At ten years her senior he was a distinct departure from the guys she usually is interested in...he was a man.  No metro-sexual like the one before him, but a good, old-fashioned manly man.  A southern boy with a sheepish grin and wonderful manners.  Six foot five, a former Marine.  And a fellow actor.  LB usually does not fellow date actors.

She found talking with him easy and he, her.  And other things came easily too, apparently (there's that nosey mom asking pointed questions).  They were still in the getting to know you stage I guess when he pulled back.

Weeks prior the friend at whose party they met, talked with LB about J.  She had nothing but good things to say about him, stuff that LB had already learned:  he was genuine, he had a good heart, he was very down to earth.

But he had a sadness about him...

The friend went on to say, and made it clear that the info she was about to share was not being done so in a gossipy manner but rather just to give LB a little insight as to J, that J had had some tragedy in his life three or four years prior.  His father had taken his own life.  And his grandfather years before that had also been a suicide.  Of course, J never knew that LB knew but it did give LB a point of reference.

I don't know...I'm certainly NOT the one to give romantic advice, least of all to my daughter.  But my heart goes out to her.  And to him.  Been there...many times.  It sure ain't like it is in movies or Broadway musicals.  No 'You lika me and I lika you and we lika both the same"  Not quite.  It's a wonder anyone gets together!

Still and all, it just seems like for so many people falling in love - and falling in love and committing - just happens so effortlessly.  I think those people must come from stable families.  Seriously.  Mom and Dad have a long marriage - have provided a good role model - and the kids follow suit.  I know...too simplistic.

I guess it's truly just a crap shoot.

Speaking from my own experience of having a dysfunctional childhood, I told LB that J may not feel 'whole', may not feel like he can put himself out there.  He may not even know what he wants but may feel that he can't 'offer' anything.  I had been told that...a long time ago by someone I absolutely adored...that he didn't 'have anything to offer' me.  In our case, he was much older than me and did not make much money, which to a guy flies in the face of the whole 'protector/provider' thing.  To this way of thinking I say "Shouldn't I be the judge of that?  Shouldn't I have a say in if I think you have anything to offer?"  Ugh.

Well like I said, it's a wonder any of us get together.  Most of the time we blame it on chemistry.  Oh I remember casting off many a good prospect because I felt we didn't have chemistry.  I pissed off a couple of pretty good guys.  And broke some hearts too, I'm sad to say.  One particularly sweet guy told me "You broke my balls _____"  Yikes, sorry.  Yeah he may have been my one to get away.  I saw him several years ago at a reunion and he still was just as sweet and genuine.  And he was very interested to talking to me and finding out about my life.  He married the girl he dated right after me and they have a very nice life in Philadelphia.

I had to remind LB too that she has been the dumper on more than one occasion.  I remember more than one sad eyed boy standing on our front step getting shot down.  Oh and her first boyfriend that cried when they broke up.  So please LB, don't tell me no one is ever interested in you, never interested in being committed.

Yeah too many times I think we all jump ship before the relationship has had a chance to show it's true potential.  Too many I'm afraids or I'm not good enough or I've been there and done.  Whatever.  

So after all was said and done, I told LB just to chalk it up to experience, basically a good experience and maybe he'll be back.  Maybe he'll think of her sometime and they both can gently nudge each other toward a better understanding of one another.  If it's meant to be...