Is There a Card for That?

A couple of days ago, I marked one year of being divorced.  Not that I'm intending to note this every year.  But the first year?  Well it's like the first year of marking anything.  And it doesn't help that not one but two of my office buddies share this date - as their respective wedding anniversaries.  So the longest day is punctuated by not one - but two - deliveries of over the top roses.  And seemingly unending gushing and 'Happy Anniversary'ing over said roses.  And the glowing, kissy kissy Facebook posts by those friends.  Pffft.  I remember both couples in marriage counseling.

But they're still married.

So is there a card commemorating the Assessment of where I am one year later:

Most importantly I am still 100% secure in my decision and that is HUGE. 

Former Spouse, however, is still asking 'What did I do?' and telling me at every opportunity that he still doesn't know why we are divorced.  Precisely.

The latest incarnation of why I divorced him is that I told him I didn't want to be poor.  Never said that.  And I have demonstrated  that is not the case because I am poor and my decision has made me that way.  No, I'm not really poor but there are times that I miss him...his money.  He is jobless but he has a 6 figure bank account...that I let him have.

Yeah, that's how badly I wanted out.  Some things are more important than money.  Like my sanity.

So, secure in my decision.

The downsides:  I have been shutout by my stepson.  Yep.  Been his mom since he was nine but he unfriended me on FB.

'It's only social media' says my student worker.

Me?  It's the cruelest cut.  I'm sure FS has whined and moaned his usual woe is me stories (he now lives with his son and daughter-in-law).  Well I need to focus on me and not get caught up in what others think about me.  I can't control what others think of me.

But what I can change is what I think of me and right now I am empowered  and feeling pretty good about myself.  There are negatives - well one - and that first.  I am back in debt.  Not anything I can't cover monthly but nonetheless back in credit card debt and this is a bit disappointing.  But not  insurmountable.

And now the positives:  I've started taking care of myself:

• I've lost 30 pounds.  I have amped up my fitness levels and am really watching what I eat.  I have regained a lot of respect for myself.  I care about and value myself again.  I love that people notice and I love that attention I get.  And I should get the attention because I have worked HARD at this and it is a BIG accomplishment for me.  I have at least 30 more to go and I will do it.
• I am humbled by the families I encounter in my role at the bereavement counseling organization.    As I have said, the children give me SO much more than I give them.  Being beside them in their journey has opened up a new road to me in my life, my journey. 
• There have been many wonderful reunions with friends this past year...long lost friends.  When I was finally free of my marriage, my heart just opened and I longed to see faces familiar.  It has been wonderful and I will never let those people out of my life again. 
• And finally, after many, many, MANY years of suppressing my feelings, my emotions, I am again (maybe for the first time?) letting those feelings be known.  It started with me telling FS that I was miserable and wanted out of our marriage.  I had feelings, intense convictions, and I was honest.  I let them be known.  Same goes for my strong attachment, my 'crush', if you will, on the individual I wrote about in the previous post.  Even if the feelings aren't quite mutual, aren't returned on the same level as mine...that's OK.  It is really OK.  And the reason that it is ok is the fact that I am feeling and I am telling those feelings and I am healing.  If me having these feelings and letting the person know makes him uncomfortable...I am not sorry  It is not a negative!  How wonderful to have such feelings!!  How wonderful to love and care about someone and tell them.  Give them that gift.  I have wonderful feelings and want them to have wings.  This is NOT saying that I want anything in return.  Oh, of  course, I would LOVE for him to feel the same way - perfection! But if not, I am OK because I am healing and I can express sincere expression and for the first time in forever, I am alive.  And THAT is a great and positive thing!