50

Fifty.  It's such a huge number.  To me at least.

In two months will be the 50th anniversary of my father's death.  And I have special plans for it.

Right now, though, I feel I'm slipping.  Sliding into a gaping hole that is that number.  50:  Five and the HUGE, bottomless ZERO that threatens to suck me into its vortex.  The visual - me scratching, futilely clawing at the ground while I slide feet first toward the big, black, bottomless pit.

Pretty dramatic, huh? 

Well, that's how I feel.

Save for six years, I've lived my entire life without a father, my father.  There have been periods in my life when this fact has been more profound than others.  Like right after the death and the years immediately after.  Or when I was a young woman venturing out into the dating world.  Then I went years without really going there.  When I married and started my own family I honestly felt very little about the absence of my father.  I guess my family filled up my empty space, covered over the loss and pain that I had felt all those years. Filled me up with joy and promise and hope. 

Well now, as I have written, I am going it alone.  Divorced.  Living single.  Kiddos doing well and pretty much grown.  Having a lot of time alone means I have had a lot of time to think. A lot of time to dredge up old feelings, old memories.  So many issues and feelings covered over, pushed down. To feel them - to recognize them - sometimes good; sometimes not so good.  In this case, I have reconciled - validated - some issues I have had all along. Issues of abandonment; of unworthiness, of having a hard time trusting.  The fact of the matter is the loss of my father defined my life.

My work with the children's grief counseling group has helped me beyond measure.  I continue to question and to grow and to feel.

On Christmas Eve I will board a flight to the city of my birth.  Alone.  I bought my ticket six months ago even before I started the grief counseling.  I guess this is just my year!  I waited months to tell my children.  They didn't ask any questions.  Didn't want to I guess.  It bewilders them to see their mother upset so they didn't want to go there. I will fly into my home city and stay in a hotel in town.  The next morning, Christmas Day, I will be at the only place I can be this Christmas.  At my father's grave.

I am teary even writing about it. I know it will be emotional but I am not afraid of emotions. Not anymore. 

This will only be the second time I will have visited my father's grave.  The first time was in 2010 with my children.  I didn't even break down.  My kids, they were so diligently searching my face. 'Are you ok, mama?'  Yes I was. When I went in 2010 I thought it was the second time I had been there.  When we returned from that trip I asked my mom how old I was when she took me there (as I was not allowed to go to the funeral).

"I never took you there.  I never went back after the funeral."

That was like a punch in the stomach.

She never even went back to see if his headstone was placed?  Now I must admit that I'm not a gravesite visitor.  My philosophy is that's just a memorial.  The person, the spirit, has risen and resides elsewhere.  But never to go back, even once?  Wow.

Needless to say, I still haven't told my mother my plans for this Christmas.

So there you have it.  Wish me luck. Say a novena for me.  In my heart of hearts I imagine it to be a very serene environment to be on Christmas Day.  In the presence of angels...

Unsocial Media

Been trying to stay away from Facebook lately; hasn't worked. I go on it every damn day.  I haven't been posting, just stalking.

My reason for trying to take a break? A little bit of this, a little bit of that. And my ex is on it ALL THE TIME.  Jeez, he just posts and posts.  Pictures.  Feel good quotes (What?  Is he trying to convince himself?  He was always such a Donnie Downer).  And quotes about bad things happening and loyalty.  Gee...I wonder...He's not a FB friend of mine though he REPEATEDLY asks to be.  Nope.  That's just not kosher right now.  Maybe down the road...waaaay down the road.  He can see my profile pic and Cover pic.  As a matter of fact, I noticed that a 'share' was noted on my profile pic...so I followed the 'share'.  Yep.  Ex had it posted to his wall.  Arrgh...

Anyway everyone seems a bit 'meh' right now on FB.  Maybe they're all out enjoying the glorious fall weather.  Hope so.  Hope everything is OK with everyone.  Or maybe they actually have a life.  As I have written in prior posts, I feel the need to connect in real life more.  Somehow sitting alone in my house with my laptop on my lap is not as appealing as having someone next to me on the sofa.  And, while I am over the moon at my connecting with old friends, I recognize I need to check in more with the ones who do the day-to-day with me.

Anyway, truth be told, I am still smarting from that not so subtle snark about me 'chasing my past'. Jeez...is that really anyone's business but mine?

Oh well, I always thought FB was the BIGGEST Christmas letter in the world.

So I'll let you know how it goes.  I have two Halloween parties this week.  Let's see if I actually go to them...or will I make an excuse and not have a costume... or be too tired...and not go.

I also need to get back to exercising.  I am porking out a bit and I need to get a handle on this.  Stress and stress eating.  And Cortisol.  The damn Cortisol.

Starting tomorrow - more exercising, less FB.  More water, less booze.  More veggies, less ice cream.

Oh, The Places I Will (Want to) Go...

I've been to 32 of the 50 states, including Alaska and Hawaii and I have been to Canada.  I have been to Europe 5 times.

But I haven't been to the following iconic U.S. cities and I very much want to visit them:

1. San Francisco
2. Chicago
3. New Orleans

I've seen Stonehenge and the Eiffel Tower but I really want to see the Grand Canyon and Mount Rushmore.

Thank you for indulging me...the little bit of gypsy in me is revving up...again.

Live Life

I found out quite by accident this evening that someone who was once in my 'inner' circle has suffered a terrible loss. "E" was the long time girlfriend of Former Spouse's best bud "G".  They were a wonderful couple, complimented each other well.  Everyone was just dumbfounded that they were together for so long but then *poof* splitsville.

Both E and G went on to date others.  E even got married.  She was in her forties at the time.  Her choice shocked many...G had always been so dynamic...personable...and good looking.  Her husband really was none of these but seemed pleasant just the same...or so we all thought.

E ended up divorcing her husband for the same reason she had split from G - alcoholism.  His.

Anyway, we saw E in 2008 with her then current boyfriend "T".  I could tell immediately that they were MAGIC together.  E always, ALWAYS, had an effervescent quality about her.  She was just electric.  A megawatt smile.  She glowed especially now beside T.  And T was just a wonderful guy.  He exuded happiness, contentment and confidence. It did our hearts, F.S. and mine, good to see E so terribly happy after several romantic disasters.

Well, tonight I found out that T died...in 2011.

First, I feel terrible we did not know at the time and did not reach out to E.  Secondly, I just feel very, very sad that she lost such a wonderful soulmate.  It looked like she had finally achieved a lasting, loving relationship and then he was tragically taken by illness.

Seems they had married; so that had to have happened since the last time we saw them in 2008.  I am happy for her in that regard.  There is a FB memorial to T with many wonderful pictures, including lots of E with T.  They were committed.  They looked to infinitely happy and joyful together.

I am sure they made the most of every moment they had in their life together. They seemingly had cracked the code.  Found that pleasant balance.

What is the secret?  Why do so many of us just look and look?  I firmly believe that it starts - and ends - with personal happiness, contentment and positivity.  E and T had all those qualities and more.  Like I keep telling my kids, you have got to be happy with yourself FIRST before you can commit yourself to a loving, respectful relationship.  I also think that you just shouldn't try that hard...just BE and see what happens.  We all spend too much time thinking about the way we should be or how our mate should be when really we should just BE...just LIVE life.

Social media is a breeding ground for conjecture.  I like to say Facebook is the world's biggest Christmas letter.  God I hate those letters. Who ever tells the whole truth in those??  Myself included.  Facebook is all about perception.  We all, once again - myself included, put out there words to live by...happy inspiring little slogans.  Be this,be that.  I bet E and T never had to do that because they were all those things anyway...without much trying probably.

So though it is tragic that E lost her love way before his time, they sure did LIVE to the fullest and certainly LOVED to the fullest.

We can all take note...

Well???? What's Your Answer??

I'm feeling a growth spurt emotionally coming on - watch out!  HaHa!

Ohhh....I know I've been a bit philosophical lately...manic, maybe?  A little lonely and down perhaps? Well, back to business, DAMMIT!  HaHa!

You know I was reading that for every year you're married, it takes a month to 'get over' it. Well if that's the case, I'm about half done.  Not that I wasn't 'over it' when I filed.  What I'm getting used to now is my 'purpose'.  The kids are pretty much out.  And though I LOVE my own space, I have been in a relationship for 28 years (30 if you count the two years we courted - or he courted me (another really good post sometime)).  So even if the last ten years or so were spent with a 300 lb. lump next to me on the couch...at least I had someone living and breathing there.  Good thing I'm used to living single.  Did it fairly well til I was 28 years old.  Being an only child helps.  But some things are just better with another human being.  Like travel...and meals...and theater...and watching TV...and hugging.  Ugh...I digress.

Anyway, for me the way around the fact that I'm single and flying solo mostly, is to GET OUT THERE and show up. Pitch in.  The very best way to beat the doldrums, for me, is to be apart of a group.  Volunteering...working part-time...social groups.  That last one is sometimes difficult for me because I tend to 'hide' when I think everything in my life is not what it should be.  I think that I'm my worst critic.  Seriously, my friends could probably care less about where I am in my life.  Oh not to say they don't care but they don't measure my success like I'm thinking they do. Hell, they're probably too busy with their own lives to notice.

So anyway, I'm saying all this because I'm chomping at the bit for what's next. What's next for me?  I  know I don't want to live out my years in my current state.  I have written before that I want to live at the beach.  Fine.  But what the hell am I going to do at the beach?  I'm not one to sit around all day.  I guess I'm kind of hyperactive in that regard (goes with my BIG vice of IMPATIENCE)  Ugh...

So I'm putting it out there for you...all 330 of you who grace my page...here are the things that I think could give me life:

• I would like to redo an old house.  Got my eye on one near the beach on the coast (you'll have to guess which coast)
• I love my work with the grief counseling.  It continues to be my current life force and fulfillment.  However, if I am to truly pursue this on a bigger level once my current job ends, either by my choice (hopefully) or by attrition on the part of my employer, I need to further my education.  I do not have a four year degree but am hopefully half way there.  I need to set a goal for myself to find out what exactly I need to do to make this my act two employment/devotion.

That brings me to another factoid about me...I'm not much of a planner.  Oh, I definitely have accomplished what I set out to do with my life...I always wanted a family.  Now that may not seem like a huge goal in our society...it may even prove cringe worthy to some feminists but I wholeheartedly believe it is a lofty calling and I wholeheartedly believe that I have provided the world with two incredibly gifted and caring individuals and am very proud of it!  I and former spouse did provide a stable (whatever that really means) growing up environment for our two and hopefully we haven't screwed them up too badly.  I devoted my being to those two little munchkins and loved EVERY moment of it.  But know what?...they grow up...and leave.  And I'm a little surprised that I'm really kind of feeling...'now what?'.  Wow...empty nest syndrome really EXISTS.

So because I stayed at home...and dumped my hubby...I am kind of behind the eight ball financially.  So I am kind of dependent on the survival job-not really a career calling-employment I now have.  Hopefully will continue to have until I no longer want to have it.

But know what?  If that goes away...maybe that will punt kick me into the next phase of my life?

So back to the list... 

• I REALLY enjoy travel.
• I truly enjoy writing;
• I love being creative
• I love entertaining so much so that running a small B&B/inn is not out of the question.

Gee, this feel good, telling my feelings thing is EASY!  And it feels GREAT.

So now to lay down a plan...some kind of plan...Hmmmm....there's that 'planning' again - YIKES!

So enough about me...

I'm OK

Sometimes the comfort of God blows over me like a calm, warm breeze.  Unexpectedly.  Often unsolicited.  Never immediate in a time of crisis but rather when I've had a period of adjustment to whatever situation presented itself to cause me to go into despondency...then I am ultimately - thankfully - quieted.

And I am OK.

The past several months have been rough.  I have really looked inward to try and determine if I was self generating stress.  Actually, I found that it ran about 50/50.

Work, where I spend most of my waking hours, is a beating at the moment.  I am employed at an institution of higher learning.  Our school's Board of Trustees voted to engage an outside consulting firm to identify areas where the University could cut costs.  Uh oh...you know what that means.

This process is taking place over a period of one year; we're about one third in.  Supposedly, campus-wide there will be about 15 initiatives, overhauls, if you will.

The department in which I work has been identified as Initiative No. 2.  Apparently, we're popular.

Two-thirds of the campus personnel interviewed crucified our office.

Wow.

We are a small administrative department on campus.  Not to divulge too much but let's just say Shakespeare's 'First let's kill all the lawyers' will give you a clue.

yeah.

So, like I said, we're small and overtaxed already.  We have four professionals on staff along with four admin staff. Things are tense to say the least.

Strange, but the outside entity that has come in for the year is enlisting University employees as facilitators.  Teams have been formed for each initiative.  And one of our administrative staff has been asked to be on the team for our office's initiative.  And our executive did not even know until it was announced campus wide.

So we have an insider working with the team and basically reviewing info, interviewing personnel campus-wide about our office.  Totally weird and awkward (for this person because the meetings where folks across campus are sharing their experiences and expectations of our office are NOT pretty).  And the job is proving to be all consuming for this individual.  This person doesn't even get to do the job they're paid to do.

Along with the staff member who is now a team member of the consultants, the rest of us have also had added to our responsibilities all the reports and data requested by the consultants.  So we're all striving to present that material in the most comprehensive and concise way possible AND to keep up with our normal office matters, the same matters and responsibilities that other University staff are lambasting us over.

So we're all a little on edge.  Of the three admin staff, all fear for their longevity at the University.  I am one of them.  Each of us has expressed to the other our fears and thoughts that 'it's gonna be me that gets canned.'  Each of us works very diligently in the eight hours a day/five days a week we are on campus.

But the overall feeling is 'They already know what they're going to do'; that all the interviewing, etc. is just a tool of the transparency the consultants have been touting.  If I attend another rah-rah 'Look how great for the University this is going to be in the long run' I think I will just puke.

The way I see it all info is gathered and disseminated and in the end the consultants will apply their rubric to the data/info and recommend what needs to be done.  Right now, it seems as if the 'solutions' are automating everything, which is really going to be interesting.

Friend/co-worker that is on the team graces my doorway quite frequently alternatively freaking out that it will be her that gets laid off or defiantly proclaiming that after all the work she's done on the team she 'better not be the one' getting pink slipped.  One day, a week or so ago, upon hearing her latter stance for the umpteenth time, it just struck a cord with me and I reacted and committed the cardinal sin of the workplace.

I burst into tears.

My reaction, I explained to my friend, was one of being overwrought; tired of all the speculation and the utter discord and tenseness the whole initiative was bringing to our workplace.  How the University - once a place we all appreciated, valued and acknowledged as an environment that afforded a balanced quality of life place of employ - was now a place where no one felt secure, no one felt valued because ultimately we are all just going to be a number on a balance sheet. I also went on to tell her that by her coming into my office and proclaiming that it better not be her that is outplaced, she was pretty much insinuating that me or our other admin office mate would be the preferred choice for the sacrifice.  Really?  I mean, how insensitive?!

Strange - not that I expected her to - but she didn't back pedal her stance in the least.  Didn't even really have ANYTHING comforting to say, as you would think a friend would. Makes you wonder...

So now, I have taken a deep breath and just given up my worry to the Almighty.  I mean, what's gonna happen is gonna happen.  I cannot worry about something none of us can change or influence.  I have spent eight years at the University.  It was my return to the workplace job after being home raising my kids for thirteen years. It has been wonderful place to work with great benefits.  The greatest benefit is my kids have attended tuition free.  LB graduated in 2012 and LP is currently a sophomore.  In this day and age, for them to graduate debt free is a real gift.  So the University has been good to me and I will always be very grateful. But I am far from wanting my employment to end. I am single and have to think about my security.  The fact that I am within two years of being vested in my retirement is very concerning to me.  It would be really shitty for them to cut me loose before I can vest.  But it is a distinct possibility.

And I cannot drive myself insane with stress and worry over it.

So I will just take a deep breath and hope and pray for an outcome that is beneficial to all...

Good Lord willing...

First Time For Everything

So tonight I did something I had never done before ...went to a bar...alone.  All prettied up, butt on the barstool.  Yep.

Now don't be too impressed.  It is Wednesday night.  And it was the bar at my local little Italian restaurant which is within walking distance of my house. And I was the ONLY person at the bar the entire time I was there. 

Let's just say tonight was my training wheels for the bigger show.  A Friday or a Saturday night...at a more active venue. What a departure.  I mean I was the person who always maintained you can't meet anyone of substance in a bar.  So now I'm saying 'Who's looking for substance?'

What the hell am I looking for?  Not sure.  But I do know at the very minimum I'm just looking for human contact.  Is that not the most pathetic thing you've ever heard? Seems I'm not the badass single woman 'I-can-rock-this-whole-middle-aged-starting-over-thing' person I promote.  Jesus, less than five years ago I was a soccer mom, still making dinner for my family, checking homework and keeping the home fires burning.  Today, I'm divorced (still ok with that one), the kids don't live at home and all I do is exercise and work all day.  I looked at myself between the bottles lined up in front of the obligatory bar mirror.  Who is this person?  At risk of sounding conceited, I  am looking pretty fine, I must say.

Anyway, I enjoyed my wine, my kibitzing with my server and watching a very strange ESPN Reebok competition with very muscular women reminiscent of Jim Carrey as Helga on In Living Color.  Juxtapose this weird program (being viewed on mute) with the lovely piped in music (mostly love songs a al Dino or Frank) and it made for quite an evening.

Of course, everything was fine until my favorite song...'The way you look tonight" came on.

'Bartender...another please'

And the topper of the evening?  While I sitting there enjoying my wine and gazing upon my stunning countenance in the mirror, I hear...

"King of the Road" 

What a weird song to be playing in this venue.  Certainly did not fit with the usual lounge music type tunes featuring the melodious tones of crooners like Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra or Harry Connick.

I hadn't heard nor thought about that song in years.

Significance?

Well it was my father's favorite song, of course.

Of course...

EPIC FAILS

EPIC FAIL:  (Dictionary.com) Slang. A spectacularly embarrassing or humorous mistake, humiliating situation, etc., that is subject to ridicule and given a greatly exaggerated importance.

I will certainly be adding to this list...so check back often.

1.  Overshares of pretty much any variety...like when you share with your teenage daughter that her dad was 'Lucky Number 7'.  She was shocked at the time but apparently not so shocked in that she did not hesitate to share with a few friends, with whom I am friends with their mothers, via whom I learned of LB's share years later.  We live in the Bible belt and that news just kinda makes you look like a 'Ho.

2.  Finding out your dog has chewed a hole in crotch of your spandex bike shorts...just about the same time as everyone else in your yoga class finds out too.

3.  That last post of mine...jeez.  Being overly tired and amphetamines do NOT mix.6. 

4.  Seeing your petite co-worker out with her family of strapping six foot brothers and saying :"Hey Sheila, You the only midget in your family?" when around the corner comes her only sister...who's a little person.  I know...

5.  Having your teenage son see you pour a shot of Kahlua in your morning coffee traveler.  "Isn't that alcohol?" he asks.  Me:  "It's sweetener".  I don't think he bought it.

6.  You better make darn sure that you have a good chance, A VERY GOOD CHANCE, that you're going to be entertaining down south before you shave - neatly landscape - your nether regions...because if it doesn't happen, you're going to be frustrated AND itchy and prickly and really pissed off. Yep.

So There

Time to put on the big girl panties and get a life, a real life.  With real people who want to see me.  Who aren't afraid of failure.  Who aren't afraid of emotions.  Time to get the big love on with someone.  What the hell am I waiting for????  I'm gonna buy a big ol' box of condoms and go to town.

I am tired and cranky tonight and freakin' sick of coming home to NOTHING.

And I am me.  Middle aged, damn good looking and bright so I need to STOP acting like a DAMN fool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah so I may not be gaggy sweet or blowing bubbles out my butt because I'm so positive and upbeat!  Wheeeee!!!!!  That just ain't normal.  Sorry but I don't do perky.  So I'm not brilliant or super educated or - UGH - all those other superlatives but ya know what???  I am the REAL DEAL.  I FEEL and I live an authentic life.  Everyone has stresses and problems and fears.  But if we reach out we can sort shit out together.  Isn't that what the human race is for????  Living together, loving together and learning together???

And I am brave...and strong.  BRAVE, BRAVE, BRAVE and STRONG, STRONG, STRONG.

And I'll tell you what else I am -- REALLY IMPATIENT.  So OK, I concede this is a BIG flaw of mine.  But it gets the job(s) done.

I put myself out there and wanted NOTHING in return except a little consideration on a BIG hunch I have - HAD - on something I just KNEW would be GREAT.  No pie in the sky; no dewy looks - real. It does happen.  But, well, I guess we'll never know now, will we??

I did not care if you were up to your eyeballs in debt, had a cute spare tire, or if your equipment didn't work anymore or you hadn't gotten cast in two years (though I did care for your feelings and morale in that regard - NO, NO, NO - NO sweetness - stick to the script woman!)  SILLY ME!  I was about to make a REAL ASS of myself and try to talk you into coming to my city, live with me, anyway you wanted it - plenty of room.  I figured you could recalibrate, do some work locally (I even talked with an acquaintence of mine who is well established in the local market.  He said it's better and more open than it's been in 20 years.  He's about 70 and also does a lot of VO work. He gave me the names of the 3 best agents in town).  And then if we found we grooved together we would move to the beach.  I wouldn't have asked for dime...whatever...

So if you are reading this you're probably all like 'Ugh see, this is my I steer clear of entanglements' Well buddy boy if you were with me, it would be a whole different ballgame than what you've been used to...I have staying power and I am freaking AMAZING!  And a lot of fun and very, very loving.

So there...

You probably never even read this fucking blog.  Don't think I don't know that you sometimes massage the truth.  No worries.  I know you just don't want to disappoint or whatever.  It doesn't matter anymore.

I'm guessing about now the readership I have in Europe is saying 'I knew those American bitches are crazy'.

Yeah and I even liked chicken livers and yellow cake with milk chocolate icing and (Diet) Pepsi.  How perfect is that?